Interesting and Humour - page 745

 

Antivirus software: "Attention virus detected!!! What to do?
- Cure;
- Move;;
- Delete;;
- Ignore;
- Send to a friend!"
 
Two girlfriends go shopping for fashionable clothes. They go into one and ask the salesman to help them pick out an outfit. He:
-What size are you?
-He's 170, weight 60, 90-60-90, chest size 3, hair...
The second one:
-Anka, wake up, you're not in ICQ!!!
 
-How many programmers does it take to paint a fence?
-The first prepares the demo version of the fence, the second prepares the basic version, and the third corrects previous deficiencies and repaints the fence all over again.
 
A tired programmer walks in after work and sees "X**" written on the fence. Reads slowly: "X, Y, Y, Y briefly...", mumbles: "What the fuck..."
 
- What does a system operator do when waking up after a wild binge?
- tests the memory =)...
 
The work of a programmer and that of a shaman have many similarities: for example, both say incomprehensible words, perform incomprehensible actions and cannot explain how it all works.


- What is the difference between Win95 and a woman? - Nothing - the same ability
to spout tons of useless information and ask three times

The obvious is confirmed.

Why don't they put a MIKROSOFT system on rockets?

Because she'll either freeze up,
Or she'll come back for confirmation.

The wife is sitting at the computer, with a bottle of martini next to her. She pours, mutters something, and at that moment her husband asks:
- Have you started drinking on your own?
- Don't get in the way! We're having a skype bachelorette party!

10 programmers decided to make a product, One asked: "Where's the money?", and there are nine of them left.

Nine programmers were confronted by the boss, one of them didn't know
FoõPro, and there were 8 of them left.
8 programmers bought IBM, One said: "Mac is better!", - and there were 7 of them left.
7 programmers wanted to read Helr, One of them had a screw loose, so that left 6 of them.
6 programmers trying to understand the code, One of them went mad, and there were 5 of them left.
5 programmers bought a CD-ROM, One brought a Chinese CD-ROM and there were 4 of them left.
4 programmers were working in C, One of them praised Pascal and they were left with 3.
3 programmers were online playing DOOM, One got a little slow, and the score was 2.
Two programmers typed together: "win". One got tired of waiting for the download - only 1 was left.
1 programmer took everything under his control, but he met with a customer, and they were 0.
0 programmers begrudgingly scolded by angry boss, Then he sacked one, and they all FF.

An experienced hacker is urgently needed! Resumes should be left on our server's desktop.

The other day, the Pentagon sent the US President recommendations for a top-secret operation to significantly improve the quality of alcoholic beverages in Russia. According to Pentagon officials, the operation would significantly reduce the financial and time costs of dealing with the consequences of computer attacks by hungover Russian hackers.

Depression is when you turn on the internet and don't know where to go

- There comes a time in everyone's life when we begin to hate classical music...

- Trying to call tech support again?

The programmer wakes up in a big headache, turns around, and there's some girl lying next to him.
- Oops, a new device has been discovered...


Announcement: Inkjet printer for sale, 5 metres of jet.

A little boy is standing on the street crying loudly. Approaches him
a policeman walks up to him:
- What are you crying for, baby?
- I'm lost...
- Do you know your address?
- Yeah.
- Ah, fuck! Where's that? Do you even know your name?

- ADMINISTRATOR-a-atog...


 
server:
...
You're really going off the deep end here. You sound like you're twittering. )))
 
tol64:
You're really going off the deep end here. You're twittering away. )))
Just in a good mood!!!!
 
A conversation between two programmers:
- What are you writing?
- Let's run it and find out!

A drunken hacker crawls down the street. Can barely move his arms and legs
and can barely move his arms and legs. And another one, sober, walks towards him:
- Hey, Vasya, what's up? Didn't you get cured a week ago?
- Aha! - Hic! - And I - Eek! - I-I-I picked up the c-c-code yesterday...


User: - Install the new video card drivers.
Windows: - Do you have a disk?
ZERO: - Yes, I do.
Windows: - And what do you want to say?
YZER: - Ok.
Not Ok. He said, "I can't find the files he needs!
There they are!
Windows: - Where?!
It's on the drive!
Which one?
User: - On B:.
Windows: - There is no such drive.
Why is it under DOS?!
Not my problem.
User: - But how to install drivers?
Windows: - But why do you need drivers? You don't even have a video card.
No way!
Windows: - That's for sure.
Do you have audio?
You don't have audio either.
What do you have?
There's a joystick.
I don't have a joystick.
Windows: - I know better.
And I was going to buy one.
You see? What would you do without me?

- Are you sure you want to delete the D:TeMP folder?
- Yes.
- There are files in that folder. Are you sure you want to delete them?
- Yes!
- Deleting these files could affect registered
programs. Are you still sure?
- Yes! Yes! Yes!!!
- These files can be used by the system. Are you sure?
- Fuck you - the admin yelled and pressed Calculus.
- Aha! Scared him! - Thought NT.

My daughter asks her mother:

- Mum, who is that hairy man with the red eyes?
- That's your daddy, daughter.
- Is he sick?
- No, he's hooked up to the internet.

The internet guy was asked:

- What is "Chervona Ruta"?
- This is a woman-admin on the server of the Communist Party.

They took the Internet guy to the army. To serve on the border. He's standing at his post. Suddenly - steps.
- Password!!! ...silence
- Password!!!! ...silence.
The programmer takes his machine gun off his shoulder... short burst...
- Usеr аnonуmous аssessеd.

Two system administrators meet and one asks

another:
- Why are you so sad?
- The server went down yesterday.
- What, you still haven't "got it up"?
- I did, but it fell off the table...

A programmer goes to see an eye doctor. He sits him down opposite him

the table, take the pointer:
- Read it!
- "BLEEP"... Doctor, there's something wrong with your coding!

When he found out how sinful I was, the father suggested that I should download a list of my sins onto a thumb drive to save time!

A programmer plays chess with a computer and gets
checkmate on the 15th move.
He hits the keyboard in a heartbeat:
- Damn Windows, it's glitching again.

The programmers are drinking in the countryside. They're talking,
bing-bang-bang...
One of them says:
- I met a girl at the disco! Unbelievable
girl! She's got a figure, she's got brains, she's a good dancer! So,
I decided to take her to my house. I invited her over.
she said yes. We went over there, had some wine, talked about this and that, listened to music.
this and that, listened to music. Then I kissed her, lifted her up.
gently, put my ass on the keyboard, lifted up her skirt...
The others:
- So you've got a computer at home?!? What kind?!?

The programmer's wife says to her husband:

- Honey, I want a baby!
- Get down, we'll install it!

A programmer sits deep in debugging.
Here comes his son:
- Daddy, why does the sun rise every day in the east
and sets in the west?
- Did you check it?
- I did.
- Did you check?
- I did.
- Is it working?
- It's working.
- Does it work every day?
- Yeah, every day.
- Then for God's sake, son, don't touch anything, don't change anything.


Two hackers talking on the bus:
- You know, there's something wrong with my pisu.
The whole bus gets alarmed.
- What's up?
- It hangs a lot.
- Maybe it's a bug.
- I checked. It's clean.
- How tight is it?
- It's tight, you can't help it with three fingers...

E-commerce

Two friends meet:
- How are you?
- Nothing, I opened a shop in a network, I earned twenty thousand virtual dollars in the first month.
- Virtual? I have not even seen such a thing!
- Me neither.

The computer does not obey the laws of physics, only glitches appear out of nowhere, files disappear into thin air and volume is measured in metres and called a weight.


 
server:
Just a good mood!!!!
Looks like it's not just good, it's pretty damn good! )))