Interesting and Humour - page 746
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Question: Who doesn't forgive bugs.
At the end of a Microsoft software installation, it is very common to
"We have worked long and hard. Enjoy!"
After working with some of Microsoft's software, I'd like to
to change it to read:
"We have worked long and hard. Now... your turn!"
There are three programmes lying in the OS/2 bin and they are talking.
- What were you sent to the bin for?
- For not being under Windows. And you?
- For being on Windows.
Both three:
- And you?
- For being Windows.
One programmer visits the other one. They are sitting there, having a beer. A huge grey cat walks into the kitchen.
- Why Zuchel?
- Look. - Takes a broom, pokes the cat. - Zohel! Connect!
(cat): - Shh-shh-shh-shh...
- О! 14400.
- Girls, you want a beer?
- No.
Wine?
- No!
- Vodka?
- No!!!
The programmer thinks to himself: "Strange, the standard drivers didn't fit."
A shop selling computers. Seller
computer-savvy lady:
- Well, I got you a better hard drive
a better one...
- Better means harder?
A programmer talking to his wife. Programmer:
with a computer?
- What's it to you? Nothing will change for you...
Three weeks after the wedding. The young wife calls her mother, covered in
- Mum, I just don't know what to do! We've got such a family
family scene going on here! It's horrible!
- Relax, daughter, don't get upset. Every family, at some point.
the first arguments, the disagreements, the conflicts...
- I know that. What about the corpse?
from a group of programmers
Application
We ask you to provide a dedicated line at 0.5 l/sec.
is planning to launch the "Back Up Father Christmas" and "Back Up the Snow Maiden" campaigns starting from the New Year.
A young programmer, in his sleep, caresses his wife, gently stroking her, kissing her excitedly, bringing her to orgasm. The young programmer, awakened by unearthly pleasure, asks: What are you doing, darling?
and care).
Dear Women! You probably have faced with such
problem - you've bought
new furniture, a beautiful carpet, curtains, but in the flat
...but there's still something...
is not right. It means that the interior is missing
the finishing touch,
namely the husband. In that case, we recommend getting
a computer programmer at home.
He's fairly unpretentious, won't bother you and won't take up
and doesn't take up much space.
At the same time, the programmer is one of the most
fashionable and elitist
breed of husband. Read the description of the
of the programmer and think,
maybe this is the one you've been dreaming of all your life.
Exterior.
A programmer can be either small or large.
...or large. They tend to have...
usually has a long hairline with a distinctive
sparse hair...
at the back of the head. Many grow a beard and moustache (both of which you
have to
trim them from time to time so that the programmer doesn't
lose their marketable
look). The programmer's gaze is slightly wandering, and the
the back is beautifully arched
forward. In short, the programmer is quite worthy
of attention and envy
and the envy of his girlfriends.
Initial costs.
Breeding programmers, unfortunately, involves
a lot of up-front
costs.
You will need:
- a personal computer with a processor at least
Reentium II;
- a table and chair;
- an ashtray;
- plenty of sausages and beer for
bait;
- a 0.5 litre coffee cup.
Habitats.
The programmer dwells in a variety of places, but
the easiest place to come across
at large computer shows like...
. If you start
start your hunt out of season, when the big shows aren't
are out of season, you might want to take a stroll
computer shops. You'll find
three or four specimens matching
the above description. The specimens will be flipping through
through computer magazines
or having lengthy conversations with each other with an abundance
of incomprehensible words.
Lifestyle.
The programmer leads an exclusively nocturnal lifestyle,
so he needs
a separate room. Preferably there should also be
a separate phone line
or you'll never be able to talk to
with your girlfriends.
But a programmer doesn't need a separate sleeping
a place to sleep...
snooze on your couch during the hours you'll be at
at work.
Baiting.
Baiting the programmer requires any
part that you can
to unscrew from a pre-purchased computer. Carelessly
by waving it around,
approach the targeted individual while muttering some
computer terms.
Afterwards, ask them to fix your supposedly accidentally
broken computer.
The programmer will follow you, as if in a state of
trance. At home, treat him
with some sausages and beer. Chances are, the programmer
to go anywhere else.
A way of demonstrating the programmer.
Before you get a programmer, think about
how you're going to
to people you know. Don't set up
monitor with its back to the wall - that's
is a serious mistake! A programmer does not normally
turn away
away from the monitor, even if you shout very loudly over his
in his ear, and you'll only be able
only show your girlfriends his back. That's why it's better
to arrange the workspace
so that the programmer can be seen
from all sides.
Don't forget to have an air conditioner in the room
an air conditioner which comes on
from the hallway, otherwise you won't be able to see the programmer
cigarette
smoke.
Training.
Unfortunately, the programmer is almost impossible
to be trained. But small
actions like going to get bread or turning on
the programmer
are sometimes performed, especially when reinforced with
conditioned
reflexes (beer and sausages). If the programmer
is dragged away from the computer
away from the computer (which, by the way, can be dangerous at times),
it is possible to take him
In the shop and make him accustomed to carrying the bag. It is necessary to
also take into account the fact that
Some simple commands that are suitable for other kinds of
husbands, e.g.
"Close the window!" are misunderstood by the programmer.
Follow our simple
...and your pet will always be awake, happy...
...and never stop...
and will never cease to delight you and decorate your flat with his presence!
Saturday, it's business day at the computer firm. A phone call.
A woman's voice whispered:
- Hello?
- Yes, I can hear you.
- I bought a computer from you yesterday.
- И?
- It's broken, can you fix it?
- Speak louder, I can't hear you.
- I can't speak louder, my husband will kill me.
An internet guy yelling at his wife:
Wife:
-No, no! How could you think that?
I: -No, you'd better tell me, have you been cheating?
Come on, I wouldn't dream of it!
I: - If I find out you cheated, I'll kill you!
R: - Tell me, what happened?
I: What's wrong! I can not access the Internet, the server says "Your password is wrong"! It couldn't have changed on its own! (yelling) You cheated?
- "I'd like a loaf of black and white bread and a loaf of coloured bread, please.
A software student arrives in the morning all pissed off. His classmates ask him:
- I was working on the program all night last night.
- And it didn't work?
- No, it worked.
- Maybe it didn't work right.
- No, it's right.
- Then what did it do?
- I fell asleep on the bus...
- Dad, what is SPAM?
Turkmen hackers decided to go online for the first time.
220 volts is no joke.
Dummy - a novice user who has never stepped on a rake and therefore believes there is no such thing as a rake.
Lamer - a user who stepped on a rake on a regular basis but still believes there is no such thing as a rake.
Narrow specialist - a user who is fluent in stepping on the same rake.
Broad specialist - a user who has more than two rakes on his forehead.
A programmer is someone for whom stepping on a rake is more important than the result. Tired of stepping on the rake of others, he makes his own rake.
Advanced programmer - programmer who does not step on each rake more than twice.
Copywriter - concept limiting number of available rake for stepping on the rake by financial capacities of the user.
Gamer - one for whom stepping on a rake is most important. Usually unable to make their own rake.
Cheater - a kind of gamer; only stepped on a rake with a foam padding on the handle and usually not more than once.
A hacker is someone who is capable of stepping on a rake, even if it is hidden in a shed and locked.
An idealist hacker is a noble fighter for everyone's right to step on an unlimited number of rakes.
Microsoft - corporation, world leader in rake production
Bill Gates - mythical creature of programming folklore; evil spirit - patron of rakes.
Upgrade - the process of permanently spending money to buy more and more rakes, each one hurting more than the last.
Beta - a version in which the rake is visible to the naked eye.
Release - a version in which the rake is covered with leaves.
Version compatibility - the principle that allows new rakes to hit exactly the bump from previous rakes.
Assembler - A programming language that allows rake to be hit several million times per second.
LAN - a technology that allows you to get hit in the forehead even when someone else is stepping on the rake.
Internet - technology that allows you to step on a rake on the other side of the globe.
Network conferencing - a technology that allows everyone to step on everyone else's rake as well as their own.
Russian encodings - gift set of rakes for Internet users.
Friendly interface - rubber overlay on the rake handle.
Flexible (customizable) interface - padding on the rake handle, which can be moved to adjust to the height of your forehead.
Graphical interface - a rake that allows you to adjust the colour and intensity of the sparks after hitting your forehead.
Unreliable system - a rake that hits you even when you don't step on it.
Reliable system - a rake that hits you in the forehead even when you are standing with your back to it.
Multitasking - a concept that allows you to step on several rakes at once.
Object-oriented programming - a method of making rakes according to the matryoshka principle.
Manual - a book describing different ways of stepping on a rake. It is never used by lamers and hackers. Advanced programmers use it after they have stepped on the same rake for the second time.
Answer: You take a sledgehammer, a laptop, walk up to the ATM, smash it with the sledgehammer and take the money.
Question: What do you need a laptop for?
Answer: What kind of hacker are you without a laptop?
How to earn by means of "Odnoklassniki"?
- It depends on whose computer he infected.
- I'm sorry, honey, but the computer's busy.
A computer guy had a screen saver for a fish. The cat was hospitalized
- To wake up programmers who have fallen asleep at the keyboard!
A sign in the computer support department:
Practice is when everything works, but nobody knows why.
THIS IS THE place where we combine theory and practice - nothing works and nobody knows why!
- What's the warranty?
- Lifetime warranty.
- Once it's dead, it's out of warranty.
The manager came to the programmers and said: "Regarding your working hours: you have to come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the evening." Everyone was angered by this statement, and a few immediately quit.
Phone call to ISP:
- I have a problem again.
- What, you can't get in?
- I managed to get in, but it won't suck!
- Hmm. It's not our fault - we have a wide bandwidth...
- What's the channel got to do with it?! Who am I talking to? Is this a helpline?
- What is the difference between a programmer and a politician?
The census of the programmer:
- How is that your mother tongue?
- What language have you been learning since childhood, have you been using it all your life?
- You know.
- No, the real one.
- Ah! The real one! C, then.
A programmer was walking along the street, he saw his friend, his colleague, driving a brand new red Ferrari 512TR.
- I ripped it out of NFS with a debugger.
Ivan Tsarevich met the Serpent with one head in a field.
So Ivan Tsarevich cut off heads until he cut off the Snake's 65536 heads, and the Snake Gorynych died, for he was 16-bit.
The boy can't tear himself away from his computer. His parents called the doctor. The doctor examined him and said:
Parents:
- How?
- With cigarettes, booze, girls...
Convenience is when you have a phone.
Luxury is when you have three.
♪ Bliss is when there's none ♪
What do you know about computer women?
Server woman: busy whenever you need her.
Windows-woman: all men know very well that she can't do anything
right, but still can't live without her.
Excel-woman: she claims to know how to do a lot of things, but all you want from her is
sex and a hot dinner.
Woman-DOS: every man has had this woman in his life and you don't want her anymore
Virus woman (also known as "wife"): she comes in when she's least
expected, unpacks and immediately takes up all the space available. If
you try to get away from her, you lose something. If you don't try,
you lose everything.
The woman screener: she doesn't know how to do anything. But she's so funny!
Woman-RaM: if you break up with her, she'll forget all about you.
Winchester woman: she ALWAYS remembers everything.
Multimedia woman: she talks the most beautiful crap.
Female user: she breaks everything she touches, and she has exorbitant
demands.
Female CD-ROM: she gets faster and faster every time!
Woman-email: out of her ten phrases, one in eight is complete nonsense.
What a computer is like a man
Poke your finger and it will start.
Demands lots of toys and gadgets.
Stumbles if there is no keyboard nearby.
Always wants to get online.
Drops everything with enviable regularity.
Best not to get close to him from behind.
Doesn't work if there's nowhere to plug it in.
Can't stop asking stupid questions.
Likes to be dusted off and washed down with alcohol.
Can't stand sudden power fluctuations.
First it freezes, then it shuts down.
Complains about lack of memory, when in fact it lacks brains.
Mutters when he's stressed.
He is highly susceptible to viruses.
Unable to do anything: Everything depends on what you put in him.
Can't do anything on his own: it all depends on who is using him.
When one gets tired of tidying it up, one finally realises: it would be cheaper for oneself
to get a new one.
Windows: do you really want to delete this file?
User: yes!
Windows: Why?
- Yesterday I tried a new dope, "Strl v" it's called.
- It's good!
The worst thing is Microsoft programmers.
They have no one to blame in case of trouble.
Two programmers talking:
- No, I'm not afraid, slaves are not fired, they are exchanged...
- Now, kids, what programs would you like to write when you grow up?
How about you, Peter?
- I'd write a cool utility that would quickly heal the hard drive
from errors like that!
- Well done, Peter! What about you, Eugene?
- I'd make a program that would compress files quickly and without glitches.
- Good one, Eugene. What about you, Billy? Why don't you say something?
- Oh, it's okay, it's okay. You'll all be quick, you'll all be glitch-free...
A programmer's guests arrive and he has a lot of noise and noise. In general his children are arguing with each other. The guests ask the programmer: why are your children shouting like that?
- Conflict of versions!
Seems to have made at least a two-day norm of posting to the Interesting and Humour thread. Stakhanov, however...
"Pot, don't boil it."
Just a good mood!!!!
Closed a put option on the RTS Index at a profit of 1700%?
-Damn it, yesterday my wife called me and my modem picked up...
-So what?
-We talked for an hour and a half.
Get $1 for 50 meaningless posts!