[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 145
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We went out and waited for our daughter. The devil took me to read the receipt, and we were struck by the fact that it was Pork Nibble. We thought... Looked through the bags... We thought again. We didn't take porkyabl, we were fine... The daughter came up and brought the old fools back to life: PWINYABL - VINOGRADno YABLOCHE Juice. Oh, those fiscal printers and thrifty programmers...
I bring home a bottle of aviation gasoline - helped, but not all the way. I call a friend and he says, "You've got to soak it."
I bring home a three-litre jar of petrol... Next day I come home from work, my wife's happy, her shirt's as good as new. Of course, a delicious dinner and a militant hundred grams. After supper I take a fresh paper, a cigarette and go for a smoke. I light a cigarette, throw a match into the toilet - bang!
I come to my senses:
I'm standing D-shaped with my head on the toilet door, cigarette smeared all over my face, trousers down, ass black... Said to God - Thank God my wife had time to flush the gasoline a couple of times...
In order to prevent people from stealing spoons from the local canteen, to issue these very spoons against a deposit of 3 roubles. People (being not some kind of American, and our own, the most that neither is Russian) was to buy a spoon in a nearby shop for a ruble, and give them to the company canteen for three.
ZS: Hooray for the smartest of all the smartest people in the world!
In Soviet times, the director of some enterprise (I don't remember which one) issued a very clever decree:
In order to prevent people from stealing spoons from the local canteen, to issue these very spoons against a deposit of 3 roubles. People (being not some kind of American, and our own, the most that neither is Russian) was to buy a spoon in a nearby shop for a ruble, and give them to the company canteen for three.
ZS: Hooray for the smartest of all the smartest people in the world!
arbitration, however
In Soviet times, the director of some enterprise (I don't remember which one) issued a very clever decree:
In order to prevent people from stealing spoons from the local canteen, to issue these very spoons against a deposit of 3 roubles. People (being not some kind of American, and our own, the most that neither is Russian) was to buy a spoon in a nearby shop for a ruble, and give them to the company canteen for three.
Hooray for the wisest of all the wisest nations in the world!
I don't know about the spoons, but they did sell burnt-out bulbs. I used to buy them myself.
A good artist was very poor and friends finally found him a job teaching drawing to two girls aged 9 and 12 from a stiff, decrepit professor's family. And the artist had another talent - he was a terrible swearer, unable to speak coherently without it. But he vowed to keep quiet in class.
So, first lesson.
The girls were sitting and he was talking through his teeth:
- Here are your brushes, here are your paints, here are your easels. Start painting, but don't ask me anything. And if there's a question, you give me a H@YACK, a note...
Tula court sentences Moscow swindler who staged a play in the style of The Inspector General
A court in Tula has convicted a Moscow swindler who last summer staged a play in the style of Gogol's "The Inspector General". The court sentenced 40-year-old Igor Batoochirov to two years and two months in a penal colony for the fraud, in which he tried to get 15 thousand euros from a local university for the "elimination" of a problem invented by him, the Rossiyskaya Gazeta newspaper wrote.To implement the plan, the dispatcher of the Moscow taxi service Igor Batoochirov was thorough: well dressed and borrowed a black Mercedes from his colleague Andrei Kipichenko to impress local officials. Batoochirov drove the prestigious car to the Tula Institute of Economics and Informatics. He introduced himself to the local administration as Igor Viktorovich Batoochirov - advisor to the head of the Centre for Assistance to Economic Development of Regions of the Control Department of the Presidential Administration - and showed a corresponding ID card.
The guest told the Rector of the Institute "the most unpleasant news": they say that at the suggestion of some ill-wishers "above" the question of depriving the university of its license is being considered.
A few days later he came to Tula again. This time, to make things look even more serious. On the eve of his arrival, Batoichirov personally telephoned the office of the chief federal inspector in the Tula region, giving a false name, warning of a presidential administration official's business trip to the town of armourers, and asking for any assistance the high-ranking official might need.
After a call from "above", Batoichirov was provided with a conference room and office telephone for his work. The "advisor" summoned employees of the Regional Department of Education and the rector of the "offending" institute. Seated at a large table, he showed him the "order of the Ministry of Education" to set up a commission to check the institute and promised to settle the "misunderstanding" for 15 thousand euros.
The visitor got into his role so much that he asked officials from the Chief Federal Inspector's office to mark his travel warrant and call the regional Department of Internal Affairs to have a traffic police escort car provided to him. On the same day, the businessman visited a number of other places of presence, where he was kindly received. After causing a slight panic everywhere, Batoochirov, escorted by a traffic police car with blinking lights and a "quack", drove off from the town of armourers he had easily conquered.
In the meantime, the rector of the institute decided to inform the FSB of the Tula region about the "hit-and-run" by a high-ranking official demanding a bribe. Further events unfolded according to the script of the Tula security service. However, it did not do without unforeseen mise-en-scenes. Batoichirov, apparently out of caution, did not take the envelope with the currency personally and called Andrei Kipichenko, who came with him from Moscow, to do so.
During the investigation it turned out that the swindler bought a red "crust" on the Arbat, printed the stuffing, pasted a photo, made up a position for himself and stamped and signed it. From official presidential web-site he learnt necessary information about powers and officials of Oversight Department. Armed with this knowledge, Dispatcher Batoochirov set off in the car of locksmith Kipichenko to conquer Tula.
The court of the Sovetsky district of Tula found Batoochirov guilty of attempted fraud on a large scale. Andrei Kipichenko was fully acquitted, the court considered that the prosecution had failed to prove his involvement.
http://newsru.com/russia/01mar2007/court.html
The 5 toughest women's questions
If you're a man, you occasionally have to answer these tough female questions:
1. what are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. am I fat?
4. is she better looking than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions difficult? If you answer them honestly, they will be wrong answers. Learn not to make mistakes.
Question 1. "What are you thinking about?"
- Citizen Petrova," says the judge, "why did you hit your husband on the head with an iron?
- I told him a hundred times that I have a malleable character, and he didn't believe me...
The correct answer is: "I'm so sorry, my dear, I thought about it. I was just reflecting on how lucky I am to meet such a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman like you in this life. You are my happiness, you are my good fortune."
Wrong answers:
A - Football.
B - Hockey.
C - How fat you've gotten lately.
D - Wow, what beauties are passing by.
D - If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would have already told you.
Question 2: "Do you love me?
Wife to husband: - Why did you come home at 5 o'clock yesterday morning? - Where else can you go in this town at 5:00 in the morning?!
The correct answer is "YES!!!" If that's not enough, add: "Yes, darling!!!" - and not a word more.
Wrong answers:
A - I think so.
B - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C - It depends on what you call love.
D - Does it matter?
D - Who, me?
Q - "I'm fat"?
You live with your wife - you don't get a drink every day. You live alone, there's nothing to snack on.
Correct answer: "Of course not!"
Wrong answers:
A - Compared to who?
B - I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny.
C - You look better when you're fat.
D - We've seen fatter.
D - Don't worry, we'll buy you some pills to lose weight.
Question 4: "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
Wife shouts to husband: You're an idiot at work, you're an idiot in the family, you're an idiot in bed! If there's an idiot contest, you'll come second!
- Why second place? - Because you're an idiot!
The correct answer is a confident "Who, her? Of course not!"
Wrong answers:
A - Yes, but you have your own personality.
B - It's not that she's prettier, she's just more built.
C - You were a hundred times better looking at her age.
D - She's cute...
D - Well, if a little bit...
Question 5. "What would you do if I died?"
A young couple decides to have their honeymoon in the countryside at their mother-in-law's house: they did not have enough money to go abroad.
They arrived, stayed in a room. Don't go out for a day, don't go out for two days.
My mother-in-law gets worried.
She comes to the door and asks:
- Is everything OK there, can I get you something to eat?
Her husband asks her:
- Everything's fine, we're eating the fruit of love.
And the mother-in-law replies:
- All right, but don't throw the skins out the window, or the geese will choke.
Never say what you really think, for example: "Then I'll sell all your fur coats and buy myself a new Mercedes." Even if you manage to answer the question correctly, get ready for a long conversation, you won't get off that easy. Watch your every word, so that the conversation doesn't end like this:
She: If I died unexpectedly, would you marry again?
Him: Of course not...
Her: No? Why not? Don't you like being married?
Him: What's that got to do with it....
She: It does, why wouldn't you want to get married again if you value marriage?
Him: Well, fine, marry if it makes you feel better...
She: (frustrated) Ah... Would get married means...
Him: Yeah! That's what we're talking about!
She: And you'd sleep in our bed with her???
Him: Where would I sleep with her?
She: And would you put her everywhere instead of my pictures?
Him: Well, I guess so.
She: And would you let her drive my car?
He: No, she doesn't have a license...
She: - silence -
He: B