Interesting and Humour - page 256

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moskitman:
And rightly so. Together we can do a lot... ;)
Get out of here.
 
Mischek:
get the fuck out of here.

Fass or scramble? Cats and dogs. A comparative analysis

... One of the biggest advantages of cats is that they are much easier to kick than dogs. This was noticed back in XVIII century by French cat-utopians....

 
 

A man drives a Nissan Teana across a crossing and suddenly the barrier closes in front of him. He leaps right in front of the train and shouts:

-YES!!!

He goes a second time, the same situation again, again he skips and shouts: -YES!!!

-YES!!!

Goes for the third time. Barrier again. Thinks:

- "Well, I've passed twice, I'll pass the third time!

Suddenly a train crashes into him.

A voice is heard from the driver's cab:

- YESSS!!!

 
 




 
 
Commentator:
.....- Dynamo defenders carry a field judge to consult the touch judge...


.....The cannon shell of scorer Kulik crashed into a fortress in the face of Berezovsky.


.....Fowler: hunched over gait, faded gaze, everything is falling out of his hands, out of his feet...


.....When he starts to throw the ball in, my eyes go dark not only from his colour, but also from his dribbling.


.....If our team had lined up defensively from one goal post to the other the result in the group would have been the same - 3 points. Still, 3 points with three draws is better than 3 with one win and two defeats.
..... Again, there would also have been no need to run around the pitch, to exert oneself.


.....Titov received a pass from the Austrian. Good pass. You won`t get such a pass from yours.


.....Shovkovsky receives a pass from his friend in life - Vladislav Vashchuk. By the way, they are married.


.....Kick on goal! The ball hits the back of the net! Here comes the angry driver of the nine...


.....The ball was given to Onopko not to get bored.


.....TV broadcast of a football match. Commentator: - The 13th minute of the match has ended and the 14th minute has started...


.....You play back defender - so play, no need to run!


.....A fan ran onto the field, it is unclear where he came from and it is unclear where he went.


.....Portugal-Germany: the bar. This is the information being relayed to me from Moscow.


.....This is a pass to some family or friends in the stands.



.....Oliver Kahn dropped his gloves in frustration and played virtually naked afterwards.


..... The Japanese almost pulled his pants off the player. But everything was correct.


........Our striker took the ball with his back to the opponent's goal, masterfully handled it and showed the handled ball to the opponent's goalkeeper from the U-turn.


.....After overcoming the last obstacle between the opponent's legs, the ball flew into the goal.


..... I remember this tough match in Kiev: the players were urinating at every turn.


..... From a football report.
..... - Pass on the flank. Overhead. Header! What a shot! Yes... that's the kind of head you should be using to drive piles.


..... Our women's national team goalkeeper is a miracle. Takes it all!


..... It was a very strong shot. The ball hit the defender's head. If you have a brain, there might be a concussion.


..... Football commentator:
..... Everyone can't wait for the referee to blow his whistle in his tool.


.....The football match is on. Announcer's commentary:
.....- So, Kerzhakov goes at the very edge of the field, bursts into the opponent's penalty box, bypasses all defenders, HURT!!! The bar. Another Kick!!! The bar again. Kick! Kick! Kick! God, at least give him the ball...


..... Commentator:
..... - It's the Russia-Brazil match today. Here's our players on the field. The striker scores a goal. Midfielder's feed, another goal! A shot from 11 meters, goal! And now the Brazilian players take the field...


..... Bilyaletdinov was unstoppable in the match with Liechtenstein. He accelerated a lot, changed flanks, combined, opened up, broke away from the opponents. But all through the game he did not get the ball once.


..... Commentator for the Russian national team football match:
..... - Penalty kick. Yuri Nikiforov comes to the ball. Kick! Yeah... That's not the kind of ball we're looking for. The ball goes 40 meters above the goal.
 
.....The Albanian tried unsuccessfully to kick the ball and caught our player's leg with his head.

..... - ...He tries to get the ball into the penalty area!!! But the defender moved his feet!!! Yeah... If his feet are out of position, it's not going to work.


.....Arbiter pulled a removal from his trousers.


.....Partners used Tikhonov inappropriately.


.....Dirty, sweaty, ugly is what football is all about.


.....Julio Lopez takes a shot on goal... Julio is the name.


..... Football. Commentator:
..... "In a few minutes the friendly match between the Israeli and Palestinian teams begins. The Palestinian players warm up cautiously on their mined half of the pitch, while the Israeli players warm up the engines of their tanks."


..... Football commentator:
..... Onopko gets the ball in the centre of the pitch. His whole figure seems to say, "Who should I give it to?"


.....This is Ronald Koeman! You probably recognise his curly legs...


..... Smertin is omnipresent today - having just attacked someone else's goal and now lying on the grass beside his own.


..... He was so happy to score against such a strong opponent that Baggio hanged himself on the goal.


..... There will be a football match at the central stadium on Sunday. The score of the match is subject to agreement.


..... I won't spread my thoughts on the football field.


..... It was "off the field". We are just sitting in front of that moment.


..... Today, the referee allows the Madrid players to use the parts of the body that are not supposed to be used in football.


..... "Bayern's entire squad sits, hanging on to Real Madrid's goal.


..... What a powerful and sneaky shot by Rivaldo at the back of the ball!


..... The referee looked so intently into Bergkamp's eyes that he almost burned a hole in his back.


..... The defenders stopped and the striker calmly shot at the goalkeeper.


..... The side referee strikes some nice poses. Perhaps he used to do ballet.


..... The referee jumped like a ballerina but the ball got him there too.


.....Football match Spartak vs Real Madrid 0-15. But Spartak fans are not upset because it's only 5 minutes into the match.


.....Gusev plays the role of a suspended midfielder today.


.....Match between Russia and Italy. Commentator Vladimir Maslachenko:
.....- And here comes our national team on the pitch. Titov passes to Kerzhakov, he shoots into the penalty area, Sychyov shoots - GOAL! Bystrov burst forward, bypasses one, the other, shoots - GOAL!!! What a wonderful game today for the Russian national team! And then Italy takes the field...


.....The coach is very active on the pitch: shouting, gesticulating, drinking and sometimes smoking...


.....Football commentator:
.....- Finally our national team was able to catch the Belgian goalkeeper off guard! Yes, the Belgian goalkeeper hasn't been beaten like that since he was a kid!


.....Footballers who haven't had their offspring shouldn't stand in the wall when Carlos shoots a free kick.


.....Yerro shoots, Raul sets his head up but the ball finds Onopko's head.


.....The Blues have the ball - I mean Napoli, don't think anything of it.


.....Pensionally Kobelev ran to serve a corner.


.....The Portuguese are going forward. They just threw their arse in.


.....Krivov wanted to shoot accurately and strongly, but failed... Yes, it was unfortunate for the footballer's leg with his leather friend.


.....At the first wedding night the famous football referee Pierluigi Collina showed his young wife a yellow card for simulation and a red one for talking to the referee.


.....Football commentator (Moscow match):
.....- The referee saw every conceivable and unthinkable infringement of the rules in the actions of the Alania player. All that remains is to demand a temporary registration.


.....-I hope the player is alright, although he is being carried off the pitch headfirst.



.....With the ball a Spartak player, in front of him a defender. The Spartak forward found a flaw between his opponent's legs and quickly took advantage of it. Yes, the Spartak school!...


.....Klisman offers himself very actively.


.....Something I've lost Ronaldo on. He's not on the pitch or on the bench. Maybe he's hiding somewhere...?


.....The Danish defender lifted his leg and... ...and the Dutch attack is stifled!


.....The Torpedo player threw himself under the ball like Matrosov under the tank.


.....This is a footballer with the habits of an ostrich.


..... Football commentators' caveats:
..... - Ivanov is a tall, strong player and his partners have learned to take advantage of his dignity.
..... - With a sense of accomplishment, the Armenian defender gets up from our striker.
..... - The Danish defender lifted his leg and the Dutch attack is stifled.
..... - The Lazio fans are positioned behind the left-hand goal. You can see them. They're blue.
..... - The goalkeeper does not put the ball into play and shows his partners to go away.

..... - Rodionov skips the ball under his front foot and crosses it into the goal with his back foot.


Masterpiece taken from here.

 
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