Traders joking, the beginning - page 449

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This month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say "We're sorry" in all three languages.

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Former major league player Jose Canseco accidentally shot his finger off while cleaning his gun. On the bright side, he's taken so much human growth hormone that the finger grew right back.

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In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"

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Health officials in countries affected by Ebola are encouraging people to stop shaking hands, and instead give an “Ebola handshake,” which is when you bump elbows with someone. That would be a great idea if they hadn't spent the past five years telling us to sneeze into our elbows.

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Attorney General Eric Holder said the only person who could play him in a movie is Denzel Washington. Do you know who I think should play Holder? Oprah's boyfriend, Stedman.

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Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, “I'm begging.” Because what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk and dialing your ex?