Traders joking, the beginning - page 385

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Clinton and the Pope

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

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Peeter Woolf
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Peeter Woolf  

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.

Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.

"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

tim079
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tim079  

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Top Ten Things Overheard During the Gore/Clinton Fight

10. "What's on your mind, loser -- I mean, Al?"

9. "You cannot tell by the emotionless tone of my voice, but I am

very, very ticked off"

8. "You lost to a guy dumber than my brother"

7. "Is that all you got? Hell, Hillary hits harder than that"

6. "If there were an unstained place on the cabinet, I'd wrestle

you there"

5. "Is your face red because you're angry or are you wearing that

debate makeup again?'

4."I won't stay long -- I know you're very, very busy pardoning

fugitive billionaires"

3. "Don't throw the chair -- I'm planning to steal it for my new

home"

2. "So, basically I'm not President because of some fat girl"

1. "Al, take it from someone who knows -- you really, really need

to get laid"

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Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.
tim079
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tim079  

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A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona's governor immediately deported him.

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morro