An airplane was about to crash; there were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA Basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I was also the Secretary of State and I'm going to be the next President. Above all, I am the cleverest woman in the world." She ripped the second parachute from another passenger's hand and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, an old man, turned to the fourth passenger, a 10year-old school boy, and said, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The 10 year old boy shrugged and said, "It's Ok, there's still a parachute left for you. America's cleverest woman took my school backpack"
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish
How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant?
When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked
-Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
-God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin!
The Pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? ....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
The crowd roared wildly and there was happiness throughout the land!
Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetery to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has as much right to vote as anyone else here!"
"President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in."
That is why he is looking for a new printer
A Stanford study suggests that social media is making us smarter. They examined hundreds of essays written by college freshmen between 1917 and 2006. By 2006, the papers were longer, better researched, and more complex. That’s because kids in 2006 cut and pasted them from Wikipedia.
In a town in Ireland, the people say they're being attacked at random by a clown who sprays them with seltzer. Victims describe the attacker as having pale skin, a red nose, and holding a bottle. It's Ireland! How are they going to find him?