Humour - page 193
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You shouldn't talk about sad things in a humour thread. You come in here to have fun, and you get another stressful one.)
Well, humour is an incomprehensible combination of different components, not just silliness.
By the way, if you're looking for positivity, here's a pretty specific thing,
but in my humble opinion, hilarious.
http://www.anekdot.ru/a/an0601/w060115;20.html
It's a beautiful August evening, about 6pm. I woke up to the fact that
my dog was licking my face and squeaking a little. The night before, there had been some
party the night before, with an amount of alcohol that was incompatible with life. I opened my eyes,
the dog continued its occupation. I had a mild, non-obtrusive hangover.
It manifested as a partial paralysis of half of my body, i.e. my right
arm and my right leg, not listening to my brain. I was also deaf and my left
eye could no longer see. If I even wanted to say something at that moment.
to say anything at that point, the best I could do was:
- Aaaa.... woo.... yyyyy ....
I knew by the look in my dog's eyes that if, in the next 5 minutes, I didn't
I'm not taking him outside, I'm adding to the smell of my booze.
of his shit.
I threw on my denim jacket (which would play an important role later on).
and I went out on the street. It was Sunday.
Have you ever tried to walk around with your arm and leg completely out of your
with an arm and a leg completely out of your control? I crawled to the stall. I gestured for two beers.
two beers. One of which was instantly destroyed.
And life was getting better... So I decided to go for a walk to the Botanical Gardens.
for a walk to the Botanical Gardens. It was a twenty minute walk.
And there I was, dogs, people, evening, warmth... I, on the other hand, tried to find
a secluded corner to have a second bottle of beer while my dog
could have a quiet chase. Which, on a Sunday in the Botanical Gardens,
is simply not possible.
Whether it was the beer or last night's party, it's hard to say now. But my
my body experienced its first wave. Have you people ever been run over by an ice rink?
I was run over that day. It ran over my head and slowly started
towards my feet. The only place through which
the only place the thing that was moving was going to come out. Was my ass. Cold sweat covered
my whole body in an instant. My asshole, asked me:
- "Hey, brother, how about a shit?
And in an instant, the wave faded and disappeared altogether. Man, well...
a fool would understand, you have to go home quietly. But on the other hand, everything
it's gone, life is beautiful.
And so, I leaned against a tree and smoked.
The second wave came like a hurricane. Abruptly, powerfully, it tried to squeeze
everything out of me in one fell swoop. I think I even grunted. A cold sweat
for the second time tonight. I didn't just want to shit, I realized
either I had to take a shit or I had to finger my asshole. The second wave
went down smoothly...
I smoked again... The dog was gnawing peacefully on a stick, I felt good. But at the same time...
that's when a worrying note started in my brain... should I go home?
But a second bottle of beer in my jacket, cigarettes and a lovely evening
drove that thought very far away. My right side of my body started
coming to my senses, I began to hear with both ears.
The third wave came like a tsunami.
My asshole, wasn't asking me anything anymore, it was just screaming:
- Now boy, let me take a shit. She wasn't asking, she was
she was saying.
My eyes popped out of my head, I think my tongue fell out of my
out of my mouth. With a titanic effort to squeeze my half ass and bring my knees together, I
realised I had three or four minutes at the most, I couldn't take much more.
I strapped the dog to the leash and ran off, just to wherever I could see. People,
have you ever tried running with your butt cheeks pressed together and your knees
with your knees together? I ran and dragged the dog behind me.
After running about 30 meters, I realized I couldn't poop in the direction I was going,
I wouldn't be able to poop. So I changed direction and ran the other way.
the other direction. I couldn't get my bearings because something was trying
to get out of me. When I caught a glimpse of the dog flying after me
without touching the ground with its paws. There was only one question in his eyes:
- Master, are you crazy to run so fast?
The pressure in my ass had reached critical parameters.
I didn't give a fuck anymore. I was ready to just sit down and take a shit where
where I was standing. But my upbringing wouldn't let me do that.
My shirt was stuck to my body.
My strength was starting to leave me. I could practically see my asshole
...open. My consciousness was gone, only wild instincts remained. And oh,
miracle... not a big clearing, hidden from view by bushes. How quickly I took off
my trousers... I did it, mightily, unashamedly and without thinking about anything. У
I had a wild upset stomach.
You probably know, a dog's sense of smell is a hundred times stronger than a human's
than a human's sense of smell. My dog, strangely, turned his nose up and walked very confidently towards
my asshole. But after getting punched twice in the face, he realized it wasn't
the best decision he ever made.
- Oh, who's so handsome...
I almost fucked up. I almost blurted out that I was the handsome one.
Right in the direction of my shit hole, there was a very pretty creature
of the female persuasion with a French bulldog.
I was left with only two options.
1. Wipe my ass in two seconds, put my trousers on, and show up in all my glory. But
my ass was giving me hints that the process was far from over.
2. Continue to sit in this position. Pretend like I'm just squatting.
squatting.
I chose the second option. Threw my jacket over my legs in one motion.
I stayed seated!
- Is it a boy or a girl, because I forgot my glasses at home and I can't see," said the pussy approaching me.
said the pussy coming closer to me.
- I have a maaaallchik," I said to myself. I wasn't in control of my
asshole, we were living different lives at the time.
Writing these lines and crying. It's hard to shit in front of a pretty girl,
while pretending you're just squatting.
My dog is frolicking with a bulldog named Musya. I mean, how could you
call a bulldog Musia?
- Oh, you know, we just moved here and we don't have any friends,
"chirpy chirpy chick.
Wait, I'll take a shit and be your friend, my head whirled.
- Who's got the waaaaaas," my ass is gonna fuck me up.
- That's me and Musey," chuckled the girl.
My legs were stiff. It was the tenth minute of the conversation. I just wish she wouldn't..,
otherwise she'd be able to see my naked
ass and what's under my ass, and there was a lot to see. During the whole
conversation, I could feel the shit coming out of my asshole
pissing out of my asshole.
- Oh, do you go to shows?" the creature muttered.
- "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," I groaned.
- "Oh, that's interesting, tell me," the creature chanted innocently.
"the creature.
"Fuck, it's fucked up, I'm shitting in front of a pretty girl and she's
asking me to tell her how we go to shows.
- Well, we're champions of ukraina, a couple more of these noises and she'll
she's gonna think I'm not feeling well. And I really don't feel good anymore.
This is the twentieth minute of the conversation. She's chirping about how she's feeding and
and raising Moose, and I'm taking a little shit.
I've stopped feeling my legs. Tried to put one of them forward a little bit.
one of them, which I didn't like because I almost fell in
my shit. It's time to stop all this, but how. I'm going to tell them that I'm
I just took a shit and I need to wipe my ass and then we can continue our
our nice conversation? No, that's out.
- My name is Angela, what's yours?" said the girl.
Give me your hand for a handshake.
- And I'm Saaashaasha, - fuck, my ass finally decided to ruin
This idyll.
- I'm out walking, morning at 10:00 and evening at 7:00, watch your
doggy plays with mine, write down my phone number, let's go for a walk together,
-gives out the creature.
Honestly, I really wanted to tell her to fuck off with Musey, but I
reached into my jacket pocket and honestly started writing down her phone. Shit,
I took a picture of the girl when I was shitting, gee gee gee gee. I wasn't laughing then...
My asshole itself made a sound so disgusting I can't even describe it.
I don't think I could describe it. But it probably sounded like a wet,
intermittent, thudding fart, interspersed with the sound of falling, liquid
shit. I tried to hide those sounds behind my coughing. Maybe the girl didn't
understand anything, but Musia clearly picked up on the direction of those sounds. Musya took her
she came running towards me. My bitch dog was lying there gnawing on a
on a stick. I had only one thing in my mind: how to drive Musya away. If she
come any closer, she's bound to pick up the subtle scent of my
of my feces, and that's when Musya would be determined to discover the nature of the origin
of these scents. My asshole made another noise, I didn't muffle anything, I just
sat listening to the girl's chirping and waiting for my fate.
Musya cautiously walked past me and made her way towards my asshole. I don't know what
she was doing there, but I could clearly feel Musya's hot breath, right next to
my asshole, it made me want to cry. But Musya went a lot further, Musya
started licking my asshole, my anus itself. A thought flashed through my head. If
if she's licking my ass, that means she's standing at least waist-deep in my shit.
That's where I fucked up, I just imagined the sight of that Moose when
when she's done licking my ass.
The owner, Moosey, kept babbling on about the problems of raising dogs, feeding them...
and training, and Musi kept licking my ass, and I just lit up and
cried....
And so it was in this idyll of paradise that the moment of truth arrived.
The fourth wave of fecal eruption was like the ninth shaft.
I couldn't control myself or my ass anymore. I didn't even try
to contain it. I had the impression that at that moment...
I felt like two kilos of shit had burst out of me at that moment.
and fell silent. I wasn't even sweating anymore, I was just waiting.
- Musya, Musya, come here girl," the landlady said anxiously.
And before, bitch, you couldn't call your dog, in a fog, my
in my head.
When I saw Musya, I realized that all the fears I had felt before
were just childish nonsense.
Musya was moving in a strange zigzag pattern, constantly bumping into sticks and branches.
At the same time she made noises, some kind of wet coughing and sighing. When Musya
walked past me, I just fucked up. I totally shit on Moose, head to toe.
head to toe, I shit all over Moussa, eyes, ears, mouth, nose and the whole body. It's
It was a big piece of shit on bulldog legs...
You used to have a white dog. But now you have a brown dog. You
forgot your glasses at home. What do you do?
That's right, you're going to pick him up to see if there's been a strange change in
in your pet's coloring. Musi's owner, picks her up....
Man, Angela was a badass pussy.
PS/ www.anekdot.ru is recommended. I've been reading it for years.
PS2/ this story is rather atypical.
PS3/ very often people happily repost stories from 2003/earlier and pass them off as new
And here? :-)
British cat beats analysts on accuracy of financial predictions
Early last year, financial analysts named by the British newspaper The Observer, a group of students, and Orlando selected shares in five companies from the FTSE All-Share Index. The cat made the selection by moving his favourite toy mouse around a table where each company was assigned a number. On a quarterly basis, investors could replace some or all of the shares in the portfolio.
Five thousand pounds (about $7,600) was invested in each bundle of securities. By the end of last year, the portfolio formed by Orlando had risen in value to £5,542, while the investors' package rose in value only to £5,176. The package chosen by students fell in price to £4,840 at all.
As the newspaper points out, Orlando's success confirmed the ideas of some economists that the market value of stocks fluctuates randomly and financial markets are, therefore, completely unpredictable. As a reward, the cat received a new collar from its owner.
The case of the "investment" from the cat is not the first time animals have made financial predictions. In 2009, the Russian magazine Finance conducted an experiment in which Lukeria the monkey from Durov's Corner chose a stock to invest in. The result was a 194 per cent return on the package it generated over a year, which was higher than the investment returns of 94 per cent of domestic financial managers.
The effects of Viagra and other similar drugs, by the way, are to interfere with the permeability of cell membranes. And recent studies have shown that this effect is much more pronounced in the case of cancer cells (particularly prostate cancer) - they actually just die from hypoxia, while healthy cells are quite capable of withstanding such deprivation. So it's not all bad: the benefits can come from the unexpected side.)
Who's tried it?
- Hello, I'm listening. Where do you want to go?
- No, no, I don't want to go to the boa constrictors!
- No, you don't understand: where do you want to go?
- Oh... Well, it's the right thing to do! Get it to the boa constrictors!
British cat beats analysts on accuracy of financial predictions
Early last year, financial analysts named by the British newspaper The Observer, a group of students, and Orlando selected shares in five companies from the FTSE All-Share Index. The cat made the selection by moving his favourite toy mouse around a table where each company was assigned a number. On a quarterly basis, investors could replace some or all of the shares in the portfolio.
Five thousand pounds (about $7,600) was invested in each bundle of securities. By the end of last year, the portfolio formed by Orlando had risen in value to £5,542, while the investors' package rose in value only to £5,176. The package chosen by students fell in price to £4,840 at all.
As the newspaper points out, Orlando's success confirmed the ideas of some economists that the market value of stocks fluctuates randomly and financial markets are, therefore, completely unpredictable. As a reward, the cat received a new collar from its owner.
The case of the "investment" from the cat is not the first time animals have made financial predictions. In 2009, the Russian magazine Finance conducted an experiment in which Lukeria the monkey from Durov's Corner chose a stock to invest in. The result was a 194 per cent return on the package it generated over a year, which was higher than the investment returns of 94 per cent of domestic financial managers.
Get yourself some kind of animal))))) Or should I ask the cockroaches? ))))
Get yourself an animal of some kind))))) Or ask a cockroach? ))))
The main thing is not to ask the cockroaches in your head, ......
original