[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 149

New comment
 
 

MEDITATION

If you can't bring yourself to work... If you are fed up with your work... If all you can think about is going home... If everyone around you is annoying... In the end, if you're just in a bad mood... Think about this. Imagine if you were a reindeer herder in the far north... What would your life be like then? Let's see.

Monday. You're herding reindeer.
Tuesday. You herd reindeer.
Wednesday. You herd reindeer.
Thursday. You herd reindeer.
Friday. You herd reindeer.
Saturday. Thought it was a day off, huh? Fuck!!! You're herding reindeer. Sunday. You know what you're doing, don't you? That's right. Herding reindeer. You have one day off a year when geologists come and you trade reindeer for vodka. There's a scary wife, seven hungry kids, vodka from the geologists and salted venison for your supper. You wash twice in your life: at birth, and after death. You've never seen hot water. A real treat for you are the berries and roots picked by your children. If you herd reindeer badly, you will starve to death. Compare such a life to what you have now. Rejoice. Cry with happiness. Hug your coworkers and give everyone a gift. Thank your management team for their wisdom and good attitude. Thank your family and friends for having them. And finally, thank yourself for not becoming a Far North Reindeer Herder... And finally stop doing nonsense. Start working.
 
The programmer is walking down the street, and a frog sits there and says to him in a human voice: "Red, I am not a toad but a princess, take me with you and I will be your affectionate and faithful wife". And the frog stuck his head out and said in a pitiful voice: "Why are you treating me like this? I'm a princess." And he said: "Look, I'm not a programmer, I'm not interested in women in principle, but a talking frog, that's for fun.
 

My computer" talk show

Host. Good afternoon! The talk show "My Computer". Today we are going to talk about a problem that has become more and more acute in our country in recent years. A problem destroying the lives of many people, first of all - young people. The name of this problem is licensed software. Meet our hero.

To the sound of Windows being downloaded, a pale lad with bags under his eyes enters.

Host. Is it true that you use licensed software?

Hero. Yes, for about two years now.

Host. Could you tell us the first time you tried licensed software?

Hero. Well, sort of, I was drawn into it by my girlfriend. She was working at a regional Microsoft office, so she encouraged me to try it.

Host. And you said yes? Didn't you know the consequences?

Hero. Well, like, she said, you can't get away with it once. You can always back out later. Yeah, I thought, what am I, no willpower? I didn't even like it much at first. You know, those non-fixing glitches, the feeling of being stumped and empty in the pocket...

Host. Nevertheless, you tried it again.

Hero. I wanted to understand what people find in it.

Host. Do you understand?

Hero. You know, you can't explain it to those who haven't tried it.

Host. Please don't agitate, we're live. So, you're in.

Hero. Well, like, uh-huh.

Host. Your friends didn't try to stop you?

Hero. They turned their backs on me when they found out... Fuck them. I got new friends now, too, like, licensees.

Host. Do your parents know that you are a licensed software user?

Hero. Like, of course. I need money for new versions all the time. It's always fighting, my dad shouts that I'm a disgrace to the family...

Host. And you still go out with that girl?

Hero. No. She took a course in linux therapy and said she wanted to start a new life where she wouldn't, like, be reminded of the past.

Host. And you haven't tried therapy yourself?

Hero. I tried, but what is the use? Anyway, if I see a holographic sticker...

Host. Do you have withdrawal symptoms?

Hero. Yes, my computer broke down several times already because of glitchy releases. What to do? It's also written in the license agreement - it comes with AS IS, no guarantee...

Host. But you want to quit?

Hero. I used to, but now I'm thinking - why, like... A lot of people live like that in the West...

Host. Well, let's hear from our viewers.


The assistants with microphones go around the hall.

A woman. It's because of people like you that our domestic hackers are out of work! And by the way, they have wives and children! And some of them have husbands too!

Granddad. You should be ashamed, young man! When I was a young man I worked at an IBM-360, and we had never heard of licensed software! It's all the rage these days. Yes, of course, there were mistakes. But what youth we had! There was romance, an impulse, an idea! It wasn't just software. Even the hardware was pirated! We couldn't think of selling out to Bill Gates for a flashy box!

Maiden. I would never go out with a guy who uses licensed software. I mean, they can't do anything. They can't crack the security, they can't enter the code. They're always hanging on to everything. All they can do is talk on the phone... with tech support... (Hero blushes.)

Woman. What's with all the pissing on the guy? He needs help, not scolding... Of course, he is at a stage when it is impossible to return to normal pirate software. But you can, for starters, try to convert him to freeware. Then to shareware, and gradually increasing the period without registration...

Babka. I do not know about licensed software, but I want to say that in our entrance the third month there is no leased line, we have to run to the neighbours for dial-up, and the housing... (united efforts of a granny taking away her microphone).

Host. Well, as we can see the audience does not support the addiction of our hero. Now let's listen to our expert psychologist.

Psychologist. Unfortunately, many are not now taking this problem seriously enough. They refer to the experience of the West, in particular the Netherlands. But in the West itself, many are sounding the alarm, concerned about declining levels of computer literacy. Who among you has heard of Dutch hackers? In fact, an addiction to licensed software is a severe pathology that can ruin a person's entire life. At first it seems to him that he can return to a normal life at any time. But he is increasingly in need of new licensed versions and can no longer stop. He spends all his money on it. Social circle is disturbed, physical disorders occur - the patient forgets the addresses of hackers' websites, he gets nauseous from the sight of pirated software... Complex psychic disorder appear, in particular it is possible to develop obsession to pay even for freeware´s software. As a rule, users of licensed software are not independent, suggestible people, with latent inferiority complex. They want to stand out from the crowd or, on the contrary, to keep up with comrades; they are afraid of reality and look for illusory protection from technical support service. It is the same hope of buying off the problem instead of solving it that caused our primitive ancestors to make sacrifices to the spirits. Although many of those who try it simply out of curiosity, having heard the propaganda of dealers about supposedly glitch-free licensed software. Let us not forget that behind licensed software is a business with a turnover of billions of dollars, vested with vested interest in luring more and more users into this pernicious addiction.

Host. Well, we thank our expert and hope that all is not yet lost for our hero.

 
 
This story was told by a colleague of mine who went to the USA. It was about five or six years ago. The state of Nevada. The desert. The road, if you stop and get out, gives the impression that it starts in some unknown place and goes "somewhere". Landscape, at closer look, does not treat with variety, desert after all. In the middle of all this beauty, two local traffic policemen are doing who knows what. Boring. Somewhere in region, a military airfield is hidden and fighters and attack aircrafts, though seldom, but sometimes rather low, are flying over dull locality. Maybe they are training exercises or tests, military secrets in general. The guardians of law and order turned out to be creative people and in order to have fun they decided to find out at what speed these metal things fly. Thanks to a radar at hand, and plenty of time to spare. The result - two dead bodies and damaged car. The investigation showed. In the age of technical progress combat vehicles are packed with electronics and the speed of warplanes is so high, that most decisions are taken by the onboard computer (a human being has no time to operate simultaneously at such speeds, to process incoming information, to aim, to shoot etc.). The computer received the tracking information, perceived it as a potential threat and gave the command to suppress the enemy's ground fire point.
 
drknn:
I suggest we make an author's humour thread :) . Otherwise, with this occupation, I'll stop coming to this thread altogether.
 
A little boy goes to bed and asks his father, the programmer:
- Daddy, tell a scary tale with a good ending. - Well, son, a rich lamer decided to buy a cool computer and install Windows himself.
Went to the firm, paid the money, got the best machine...
- With a Pentium-44400 and a gossip board?
- Yes, son, and a 160-gig hard drive, a 24-inch monitor, a 112-kilo modem, a video card with a TV tuner, a sound system - all cool.
- Didn't you forget the drive?
- No way, son. Took a fairy too. Then I drove...
- In a Mercedes?
- Yes, kid. Loaded everything up, went to the Microsoft office and bought a Windoza...
- BOUGHT IT?
- He bought it, son - it happens in fairy tales. He came home, turned on the computer...
- And it burned out?
- No, son, it's worse than that. He bought an Oopsie too, he couldn't have burned it out. He got a boot floppy, went to the bios, booted from the floppy,
booted up, ran FDISK, partitioned the drive, came out, formatted the partitions...
- And forgot to give SYS to C: ?
- No son, it's FORMAT C: /S: ! He wrote FORMAT C: /S - he knew that. So he took the floppy out, pressed RESET, and THEN, on the screen, in big letters - in 320x200 mode - the message blared: "ROM BASIC NOT FOUND, SYSTEM
HALTED"!
- Oh, Dad, no more bad stuff, give me the good stuff!
- This lamer calls me to come and get the ROM BASIC, crying...
- He sent a chauffeur-driven Mercedes for you?
- He came for me himself. I booted from the floppy again, went to FDISK and marked the first partition as active. Then DOS booted from the disk, and you know the rest. Now, go to sleep, go to sleep!
 
A call from a customer to the customer-banking helpdesk.

- Hello, is this the modem?
- This is the IT department.
- I'd like a modem, please.
- Okay, it's a modem. Yes, speaking.
- What time do you work today?

Then she called some more, but I couldn't get rid of this client, so I had to answer to the nickname "modem". Once I was with this client for a visit and I understood everything - she had a sticker on her monitor and there was our phone number and the caption "modem".
1...142143144145146147148149150151152153154155156...847
New comment