Masterpieces of literary creativity - page 6
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students were given a Russian ditty in a test and asked to
to translate.
The text goes like this:
"Eh, my noodles,
Four ruffles,
I want to sleep at home,
I want to sleep at Yegorka's.
The worksheets were collected and given to the students in the other
with an offer to translate them back into Russian. Here. The most
interesting choices.
Unbearably shiny shoes shine with varnish,
It's only a step to the abyss, it's solved,
I can't sleep at home tonight,
I must sleep at George's tonight.
Second choice.
It's been a long journey in boots,
The ruffles are dusty to the roots,
I can rest at home if I want to,
If not, I'll sleep at a friend's house.
Coming to order. The order is to restore files. In a small office, all the docs, xls, bmp, and jpg are gone on all the machines (six machines, all connected to a switch, peer-to-peer network). Among other things, 1C databases are also gone. The 1C itself is there and working, but the databases are gone with the Finics... Our accounting department is terrified (early September, accounting period, butt), the accounting department is in a trance, the general director is circling the ceiling in anger, dashing around the chandelier, in short, the atmosphere in our office is like in a dentist's waiting room: everyone is waiting for help, but everyone is getting jumpy. Well, it turns out that the file was just a bluntly jammed file, no viruses, everything's tic-tac-toe. Who crashed it? Everyone starts squinting at each other and suspecting sabotage. The accountants bring up two plumbers who came in a couple of days ago. "Why, they were changing the toilets, maybe they crashed our passwords and wiped the place clean!" Yeah. Thirty-two spanners. So everyone in the office is busy thinking about who's pissed off and who's getting their genitals ripped off.
OK, the foreman takes half a day, all the machines are almost fully restored, some of them are swiped, but 95% of the information is back in place. Master recommends making backups more often and, having earned a lot of money, takes his leave.
A day passes. The master is called there again. The second visit is met with silence. All are dead. All the same, all the docks are wrecked, the 1C database is multiplied by zero. The chief is drinking vodka and citramone in his office with the finance director. He has a computer outside his office with a black marker on the white side of it: "BITCH!!!" The accountants are huddled behind the billing machine, drinking tea and sushi. Work stands still, interest is running. The TVET department deals with potential traitors by luring staff in one by one and asking tricky questions. "Where were you Monday night?!" Now they're looking at the foreman himself: an accomplice? The foreman shrugs his shoulders, no one bothers to make a backup, so what the hell. They're evil cobblers themselves. Half a day, almost all restored again. The master, smirking, reminds us of the need for backups, offers to make a backup himself, for a couple of hours (master fee is hourly). They refuse: the work is unrecovered virgin lands. OK, our job is to insist, your job is to majestically refuse.
The day passes. A master is called by his immediate superior - the head of the technical support service. In the chief's office is the head of security. He is a granite ex-KGB officer. The interrogation begins: what he was doing in that firm, how he was looking, where he was going... The foreman doesn't understand. They called from that firm and made him hysterical: the work had been suspended for three days, everything was lost again, boss. The result of the conversation is that they're sending him back to that company again. "But this time it has to be ironclad!" OK. He comes in. The picture in the computers is the same (clear field). The picture in the office was almost the same: everyone was standing near the wall in the corridor (no one in the offices!) The boss of the firm had got hold of a CT scanner and was threatening to shoot anyone who would enter the office while the foreman was there. The accountants have locked themselves away from the boss in the toilet and are trying to heat the tea there. The foreman takes the job. But now he works with tweezers. Everything is being restored again. A full backup of the docks is made, plus the imag disks of all the computers are dumped onto the Chief's computer onto a specially and unceremoniously snatched hid disk from the Big Chief's Winder. Everything is checked thoroughly. Windows are clean. Internet in the firm - on the separate machine without a network drive, sys-drive and disk drive. No viruses. No spyware. No exploits or nasty batons. Registry is clean. No errors on the disks. Everything's fine. The wizard stayed up all night and found the answer.
The clue: when the company was founded, they needed computers. A guy came along who pulled the network, bought computers, installed Windows, software, offices, 1C, and more. For 100 quid a month. (Some dork) When everything was set up, the guy started coming to work just to surf the net. (Everything was set up, by the way, very well, the guy knew his stuff). Then the accountants kicked him out on plausible pretext. The guy lost his temper, couldn't help himself, and sassed me... His last month's salary was cut off. Adieu, take your toys and don't pee in our pot, we're pissed at you. Before he left, the guy activated the batnicek, which immediately self-destructed. The little batnitchyk was running on all computers a program written in the boot like a boot-wizard, but as it was homemade and did not replicate, Kaspersky nonchalantly ignored it. The program would sit in silent-mode as a resident and write the log of documents created on disk, filtering by extension, and at the same time with minimal priority scanned the disk for other files on the list (in case something was downloaded over the network), and entered what was found into the same log. This thing worked only after 6 p.m. At the moment of WinShutDown activation (Start->Cancel) all files were dumped strictly by the list. Lucky for the office, it was a bummer to stick his create-erase function there: then everything restored would have been of zero size. I was too lazy. But how clever! Too convoluted and complicated, but how clever! The master carefully cut the resident, cleaned up the logs, said that everything was all right and left. He did it himself. Well, what's to give away your colleague...
Don't hurt the sysadmins. It's very expensive...
One asked: "Where's the money?", and there were nine of them left.
9 programmers presented themselves to the boss,
One of them didn't know FoxPro, so that left 8 of them.
8 programmers bought IBM,
One said: "Mac is better!", - and that left 7 of them.
7 programmers wanted to read,
One had a screwed up drive, so that left 6 of them.
6 programmers trying to understand the code,
One of them lost his mind and there were 5 of them left.
5 programmers bought a CD-ROM,
One brought in a Chinese CD-ROM, so that left 4.
4 programmers were working in C,
One of them praised Pascal and they were left with 3.
3 programmers were online playing DOOM,
One hesitated a little, and the score became two.
2 programmers scored amicably: "win".
One got tired of waiting for the download - only 1 was left.
1 programmer took control of everything,
but met the customer, and they were left with 0.
0 programmers were scolded by an angry boss,
Then he fired one, and there were FF.
To keep you going,
♪ I'd like to tell you boys how I won my victories ♪
¶ when I was a young man, I used to get laid ¶
♪ When I was a college student ♪
♪ And I used to talk a lot of great crap ♪
♪ I was athletic and fit and I didn't have a gut ♪
♪ When I was a young man, I used to get laid ♪
♪ not on my break, not after class ♪
♪ but all day long ♪
"I used to get my hands all over the students.
In their tender groins and young mouths.
"Like a wondrous sex miracle...
I've slept with every woman I've ever slept with,
I've had girls from all over
From cities, from villages.
From vocational schools and collective farms
Hundreds of women flocked to me
And I'd show them in all sorts of poses
I'd show them all sorts of poses.
I was full of impromptus and aphorisms,
"I'd say my words with style,
"I had women as my prize...
"I'd fuck any woman like a double-double.
♪ I've been studying for an "A" grade ♪
♪ I could fuck a litre of vodka at a time ♪
♪ I could get a gallon of vodka at a time ♪
He was the perfect student.
One hand, I'd draw an epicure,
In the other hand, a glass, in my brain, a construction site,
And the girl, with her hand up to her dick,
panting like your blacksmith's fur.
"I was awesome, I was witty,
♪ I was a fireworks extravaganza ♪
♪ Any gal, any woman ♪
♪ Any gol, any womyn, I'd get me in five minutes ♪
♪ Here, I pinned a piece of wool on the drawing board ♪
I took an integral and played with it,
I stroked a girl's vulva,
I could do it all at once.
I was ready to meet a star and my dick
On any day and at any hour,
My sharp wit and eloquence
♪ and I gave it a chance ♪
¶¶ I'd blow 'em all, I'd blow 'em all¶¶ ¶¶ I'd blow 'em all, I'd blow 'em all ¶¶
"I've given them all the fervor of my penis,
¶¶ I've made love to everybody ¶¶
¶ that's how tough I was, boys ¶
¶ it's a different story now ¶
¶ sometimes I'm just too lazy to take my trousers off ¶
¶ I'm too lazy ¶ ♪ I'm tired of it ♪
You should take up the baton.
# That's it, boys, for science's sake
I've painted you a picture of what's what,
And you take after your uncle,
Don't let the youngsters get you up to speed!
A parable about positivity
An old Chinese teacher once told his student:- Please look around this room and try to find anything in it that is brown. The young man looked around. There were many brown objects in the room: wooden picture frames, a sofa, a curtain rod, book bindings and many other little things.
- Now close your eyes and list all the objects... blue," the teacher asked.
The young man was confused:
- But I didn't notice anything!
Then the teacher said:
- Open your eyes. Look how many blue objects there are!!!
It was true: a blue vase, blue picture frames, a blue carpet...
The pupil replied:
- But this is a trick! After all, I was looking for brown objects, not blue ones, at your behest!
The teacher sighed softly, then smiled:
- That's exactly what I wanted to show you! You have only looked for and found brown. It is the same with you in life: you only look for and find the bad and overlook all the good!
- I've always been taught to expect the worst and then you'll never be disappointed. And if the worst doesn't happen, I'm in for a pleasant surprise. Well, if I always hope for the best, then I run the risk of being disappointed!
- The belief in the benefit of waiting for the worst causes us to overlook all the good things that happen in our lives. If you expect the worst, you are bound to get it. And vice versa. It is possible to find a point of view from which every experience will have a positive meaning. From that moment on, you will look for something positive in everything!
POEMS ABOUT A WOMAN'S UNHAPPY LOT
I met him in the spring,He was a painter almost famous,
We kissed under a pine tree
And he married, for he was honest.
He didn't drink much, he wasn't rough,
Such happiness, girls, only happens once!
One thing was bothering him, he'd brush his teeth,
and he always left the tube open.
But I didn't care at first
He's the kind of man God gave me!
I forgave him everything in a woman's way,
even the tube, for heaven's sake...
And when he drew, he went into nirvana,
He would suddenly hug him, he said, "I love you," and that's it!
Then, all of a sudden, the little prankster, he'd drag me into the bath...
And there's an OPEN toothpaste !!!!!!!
And I, like an idiot, washed my socks,
I put bouillon cubes in my soups,
And I kept begging and begging:
"I brushed my teeth - SHUT THE FUCKING TUBE!!!"
And he, the bastard, he did it on purpose:
"All that, Glasha, he says, is secondary."
Tell me, girls, is it possible
TO LOVE AND SHIT AT THE SAME TIME?!
And I went to my neighbour's house in frustration,
because my neighbour has a false jaw.
¶ on the shelf there's a tube of blend-a-medoux ¶
...on the shelf. It's so cute...
Over mountain tops, over old man's wrinkles.
Comes and looks into the icy lake,
Shining frogs in anabiosis.
An answer without question. An omen for no one.
Nothing slower than the speed of light.
Here is an example of a true masterpiece!!! One of the gems of Russian poetry.
BIRCH
The white birch
Under my window
Covered with snow,
Like silver.
On its fluffy branches
On their fluffy branches
The brushwood's fringe
With a white fringe.
And the birch tree stands
in sleepy silence,
And the snowflakes glow
In a golden flame.
And the dawn, lazily
Round the birch tree
Sprinkles the branches
With new silver.
<1913>
Sergei Yesenin.