[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 800
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A grape vodka fountain to be created in Batumi
- Why do you need an aeroplane?
- I don't need a plane. I wish I had that kind of money...
Phrases and jokes (not mine - friends sent them)
- Look what's going on! Sex, erotica, pornography everywhere! It's disgusting to watch!
- But it's nice to participate!
- What's the saddest place on earth?
- The workplace...
I'm sorry, you didn't give me my change back! - I forgive you!
The best diet is shopping without money: extra pounds come out drooling...
In German class: Pét'a translate: "Guten morgen" ...... In the morgue is good!
There is a session in the State Duma. They are deciding how to use the fields after Chernobyl: - Cereals can't be sown, root crops all the more... - Let's sow the fields with tobacco and write on cigarette packets: "Ministry of Health warns for the last time..."
- We are representatives of the oldest profession: we sleep for money.
- Are we pimps?
- Guardians we are...
- Why do sculptors like to sculpt men and women naked?
- Clothes go out of fashion, but the body always remains in demand.
According to statistics, men have sex twice as often as women. The question is: With whom?
A language "explosion" for the foreigner:
- Is there to drink?
- There is to drink, there is not to eat.
Many schoolchildren who have had to read four volumes of War and Peace wish they had killed Pushkin rather than Tolstoy in a duel.
Latin could be considered a dead language also because the more it is spoken by doctors, the less chance the patient has of staying alive.
His poems are reminiscent of early Pushkin, when he could not yet write or speak.
A clever man is tolerated until he gets in the way. The foolish are tolerated until he helps.
The best listeners are those people next to whom it is better not to talk...
The fact that youth passes away is half the trouble. The trouble is that old age also passes...
The organisers of the exhibition of works by Picasso have assured viewers that they can enjoy the artist's work even when sober.
- Prisoner #369, why doesn't anyone come to see you? Don't you have any relatives? - Of course I do! But they're all here now...
You're driving me into Gogol with your questions!
- Good morning, everyone. Lenochka, make me a coffee, please!
- Dimitri Alexeyevich, coffee is made in Latin America, and I just make it.
- Lena, you should have been smart in school for exams, then you'd be working, not making coffee.
- Madam, what are you doing tonight?
- Who to?
...PLEASANT COMPANY...
Ostankino, 9 p.m. I drop into an unfamiliar newsroom and ask to get into the Internet at the post office. They show me a computer, I take a seat.
There are 15 people in the room, all sitting in silence, staring at their monitors. The phone rings on the guy to my right:
- Yeah, love, hi.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... .
- Yeah, sunshine, I'm working late.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... . .
- I don't know when, go to sleep, Zajunok. Don't wait up for me.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... .
- Yeah, I'm definitely at work. Where are you?
Suddenly, the lady sitting to my left, without taking her eyes off her monitor, moves her whole body towards me in order to be closer to the phone of the man on my right, and says in a loud - cranky voice:
- Vitya, are we fucking or talking on the phone!!!! ? I'm going to get up, get dressed and go!!!!
The guy's fidgeting, he's mooing, he's barking... ...the phone was clearly hung up on him. He stared at the young lady with a wild questioning face.
The young lady kept looking at her screen:
- Vitek, what did you want? Three - three, we're even...
Witek reluctantly held out his palm to the young lady, and she kicked back.
...How pleasant to work in a team where they know how to joke and can appreciate a joke...
How petrol prices are formed!)
1. When oil prices rise, it is clear that since gasoline is made from oil, gasoline prices must rise too.
2. When oil prices fall, the oil companies have to raise gasoline prices to compensate for the drop in revenues from oil prices.
3. When oil prices are stable, gasoline prices go up because inflation.
How petrol prices are formed!)
1. When oil prices rise, it is clear that since gasoline is made from oil, gasoline prices must rise too.
2. When oil prices fall, the oil companies have to raise gasoline prices to compensate for the drop in revenues from oil prices.
3. When oil prices are stable, gasoline prices go up because inflation.
Gasoline gets more expensive so the delivery of gasoline by road transport gets more expensive