[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 394

New comment
 
The dictaphone recording of the conversation with this man was a grievous audio evidence of the production manager's unequal struggle with the norms of the Russian language. ... // Y.Polyakov "The goat in the milk".
 
Pilots go through a medical check-up. One pilot goes into the office, takes off his clothes, and his back is covered with calluses.
- What do you have? - The doctor asks.
- I work in transport aviation. I have to help unload and load the plane. That's why I got blisters.
- Good... Fit.
Another pilot comes in, takes off his clothes, and he's got a huge blister on his ass.
- ???
- I'm a... I'm a civil aviation pilot. I'm always in my seat, I hardly ever get up. It's a big blister.
- Okay... Good to go.
A third man comes in, a military pilot, takes off his clothes, and he's got
a huge bruise on his chest.
- What have you got there? - asks the doctor. - I don't understand. There were transport and civil aviation pilots before you, and they had...
The pilot interrupts the doctor:
- Are they pilots?!? I'm the pilot!!! (beating his fist on his chest).
 
Russian language class, the teacher says:
- "Children, what folk proverbs and sayings do you know?
A couple of pupils and Vovochka stretch their hands, and she thinks:
- "No, I won't ask him, he'll say something vulgar again.
She picks up Masha.
- Measure twice and cut once.
Well done, sit down, and again some of the pupils dance, and he stretches even more. No, she thinks, she's going to say it now:
She picks up Petya.
- You can't take the fish out of the pond without work.
Well done, and again he stretches his arms, thinks the teacher:
Let me ask him carefully:
- "Vovochka, you start and I'll tell you if you can continue.
- You don't feed the wolf... ...
- Well done, Vovochka, good proverb, go on...
-... ...and you won't shit more than a bear anyway!
 
 
- So?
- We eat what we want and we don't get fat, we haven't had a sick day in a year.
- Oh, wow. What else?
- I make a lot of money.
- How much?
- I don't know. My wife handles the finances.
- Oh, yeah? What else?
- I quit drinking, smoking, swearing.
- That's great, huh...
- I like to mess around in the kitchen. Cook there, do the dishes, clean up the mess...
- Oh!
- And every day at six o'clock in the evening I'm carried home by some unknown force.
- And from the billiard room?
- Anywhere. Now I hate football and hockey, fishing and hunting, but I love figure skating, soap operas and love shows. Well, there you go. And you say...
- Wait a minute, what about the seventh petal? Weren't there seven?
- Come on, guys, we're not kids, let's not do this. You don't stand a chance anyway!
 
Two Georgians are arguing over whose grandfather was taller:
- My grandfather was as tall as that tree over there.
- My grandfather was as tall as that mountain over there!
- My grandfather was so tall he could reach the stars!
- Were the stars round?
- Round.
- Warm?
- Yes.
- So those were my grandfather's balls.
 
A man is standing in line in a shop and notices a very beautiful blonde standing in the next queue. He can't remember where he's seen her. So he decides to go up to her and asks her:
- Young lady, where could I have seen you?
Miss:
- I could be wrong, of course, but I think you are the father of one of my children.
The man stuns and tries to figure out the last time he was unfaithful to his wife. Finally a hunch pops into his head:
- You... Are you the guest stripper at my bachelor party that I fucked on the pool table while your girlfriend whipped me and then shoved a bottle up my ass?
Girlfriend:
- No, I'm your son's maths teacher...
 
A modern literature lesson at school. Teacher:
- Now, children, write a commentary on War and Peace.
 

I've heard and read that this happens, but now I've received an SMS myself: "Hi! Please deposit 300 rubles on this number. I will definitely pay you back. Sanya".

Having nothing to do I replied. "Hi! I only have 500 in one note. Please drop 200 on this number and I'll give you 500."

 
In Shanghai, a guide takes two tourists into an opium smokehouse and persuades them to try a couple of puffs.
- No effect," declares the first boastfully, pounding his fist on his chest.
- No effect at all," agrees the second. After the second puff the first blurts out:
- "It's decided! I'll buy the controlling stake in Microsoft today!
- Sorry, Vasya," replies the second, "but I'm not going to sell!
1...387388389390391392393394395396397398399400401...847
New comment
Reason: