[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 137
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- It's when a user has all their information down and you walk up, put your hand on your shoulder and say, "I know what you mean!
- Where are the programming books?
He is told that ending a sentence with a question word is stylistically incorrect.
Programmer:
- Got it! Where are the programming books, you stupid head?
- Why don't you ever tell me how you're doing at work?
- What's there to tell? Well, the power supply burned down yesterday...
- You poor thing! At least take sandwiches with you.
- Buy a stick of sausage, and if there are eggs, get a dozen.
Programmer in shop:
- Give me a stick of sausage, please. Thank you. Do you have eggs?
- I do.
- Then nine more sticks of sausage.
- Your license!
- Admin!
- Regarding your working hours: you must come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the evening.
Everyone was angered by this statement and a few immediately quit.
Then the manager said:
- OK, in that case you can set your own working hours, just as long as your projects are completed on time.
The programmers, satisfied, started coming in by mid-day and working until dawn.
A programmer was hired by a software company...
On the questionnaire, he wrote 6/9 in the field of having children.
People were scratching their heads... They made up all sorts of things: that he had 6 boys and 9 girls, that he had 6 wives and 9 children, that he had children from 6 to 9 years old.... Then they asked him what the record implied. The answer was simply staggering:
- I have a wife in her 6th month....
Truly, a programmer is not a profession but a way of thinking....
- You don't look mobile enough for your age.
- What do you want: a programmer or a monkey?
The Key Distinctions of a True Programmer.
A true Programmer knows best what the user needs.
A true Programmer never writes a manual for a program - the user has to rely only on his or her own luck, and take what he or she can from the program.
A true Programmer never writes comments in his programs. He believes that if a program is hard to write, it shouldn't be any easier to read.
A true Programmer never writes documentation for a program, as it is only needed by those who are unable to understand the program from the listing or the punch list.
The true Programmer never writes application programs, for application programs are written by wimps incapable of system programming.
A true Programmer is difficult to make work. But if he gets to a computer, he spends at least 30 hours without a break.
A True Programmer never works from 9am to 5pm. If you see a True Programmer at his computer after 9 am, it means he has been up all night.
A true Programmer never writes on COBOL, for COBOL is for application programmers.
A true Programmer never writes in FORTRAN, for FORTRAN is for complete freaks and thoughtful kangaroos.
A real Programmer never writes in BASIC. Indeed, it's hard to meet a programmer, at the age of 12, writing in BASIC.
A true Programmer never writes in PL/I, for PL/I is a language for people who don't dare to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
A true Programmer never writes in APL. Even a fool would get bored with APL.
A true Programmer never writes in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA. The strict type control in those languages is only good for people with poor memory.
The real Programmer believes that structural programming is a communist conspiracy.
The true Programmer will never play tennis or other sports games which require a change of clothes. He will take up rock climbing and put on his mountain boots only when the mountain comes right down to the machine room.
The real Programmer never uses work schedules, believing that only his manager needs them. And the real Programmer likes to keep his manager excited.
A real Programmer thinks better when he plays ADVENTURE.
A real Programmer enjoys putting CP/M to work onIBM/370 and MVS on ZX81s.
A true Programmer is never bothered by security systems, he just ignores their messages or disables them altogether.
A true Programmer never makes backups.
A true Programmer never restores the source code after accidentally erasing it - you will have to rewrite it someday anyway.
A true Programmer never checks his programs, because only unsure people do that.
The True Programmer's programs are always recursive and run in supervisor mode, otherwise they are not True Programmer's programs.