[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 583
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Two internet users talking:
- Hy, how's it going?
- How can I tell you... I'm fine, but my fingers hurt.
- And why is that all of a sudden?
- Yesterday I met some friends in a chat room and they were singing songs all night...
***
- A friend of mine broke the server in two seconds.
- Is he a hacker?
- No, he's an asshole!
***
I heard a story this weekend. There is a tyre fitting shop on Oktyabrskaya Street between Kalinina and Mukhina (Krasnoyarsk). An elderly man runs it and young guys work there. Among other services they pump the wheels with nitrogen or something similar.
Witness says:
I'm waiting for a tyre to be repaired. Infiniti arrives at the tyre shop with a flat tyre and all the glamorous kitty comes out of it. So, here's the wheel, you need to fix it. They take the wheel off, repair the tyre and ask what they should do to inflate the wheel.
Kiso: What do you have?
At that moment the guy probably woke up Petrosian, and he says: "Well, air with different flavours: peach, strawberry.
The whole tyre shop starts giggling, everyone minds his own business, but his ears are already turned towards the girl.
Kiso: - And how much is it?
Guy: - 800 rbl. all wheels.
All present can hardly keep from bursting into tears.
Kiso: - OK, I'll have a strawberry.
Tyre shop's dying, everyone's throwing up, people are trying to hold it in, but they can't? The wheels are inflated with strawberries. Kiso, without a shadow of a smile counts out the money leaves. Everybody's crying.
Then another eye-witness: I was at the same set-up a couple of days later.
This same Infiniti pulls up, a respectable guy gets out and asks:
- "Two days ago, did you do a tyre on this car? The guys huddle in the cracks.
- Who did a tyre on this car two days ago?
That's it, they'll punish us, but we have to confess.
The owner comes out and says, "Well, my guys did it...
Man: So you pumped my wife's tyres with strawberries?
Landlord: ? Well, that's... Hmm?
Man: Here's a thousand rubles.
Landlord: a????!!!!
Man: I haven't slept in three days!!! Rzhu, told all the guys - all just lying down!
Tyre fitting again in tears. Curtain...
***
In a classic literature class. Teacher:
- Who can give an example of a language that no one speaks today, but is the foundation of other languages?
Vovochka:
- HTML.
***
Programmers are getting drunk in the countryside. They are talking, trilling and talking... One of them is talking:
- I met a girl at the disco! A great girl! She's got a figure and brains, and dances well! So I decided to pick her up at my house. I invited her, she said yes. We got there, drank some wine, talked about this and that, listened to music. Then I kissed her, lifted her up gently, put her ass on the keyboard, lifted her skirt...
The others:
- So you have a computer at home?! What kind???
>
https://www.mql5.com/go?link=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bA8Mb5Jqy1M&feature=related
Not funny. Doesn't look like a blob fish either. Found On the Coast of Saudi Arabia
xxx: My dad is harsh - when ad bots get added to his inbox, he sends them his ads
***
Dorm. One student walks up to another:
- Vasya, do you know the difference between a curtain and toilet paper?
- No... So it's you, you bastard!!!
***
-Girl, can you be more careful?
- Get off...
- What do you think you're doing?!
- Get off!
- Don't you know any other words?
- Aqualung!
- What's a scuba tank got to do with it?
- Get off...
***
You're under arrest! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you!
- Naked woman!
- What, a naked woman?
- Use a naked woman against me!
***
My cat is so naive he thinks I won't finish my sandwich after him...
***
Wife to friend:
- My husband and I live soul to soul, everything is wonderful: no quarrels, no quarrels. It's an idyll. And all because I only do what it says in my horoscope for today.
Husband to a friend:
- My wife and I are fine. Because she's decided to live strictly according to her horoscope. She signed up for the newsletter. As soon as I found out, I hacked into her email and started doing her horoscope myself.
***
- Listen, I'm sorry, but yesterday I was so drunk that I wanted you so badly... That's how we ended up sleeping together... But you understand that nothing will happen between us!...
- Shit. What's the big deal? Let's go get drunk again.
***
A clean flat and a nice dinner are two signs of a lack of Internet.
***
Little Red Riding Hood rings Granny's doorbell, the door opens, there's a wolf on the threshold, picking his teeth.
- Oh, my grandmother used to live here!
- Well, Grandma used to live here, and now the office.
"The US and USSR lunar programmes were abruptly interrupted at the most interesting point because it turned out that the Moon was occupied. There is evidence of this."
If you ask them to reboot the computer using only the mouse, the user presses "shutdown" in Windows.
What does the programmer do?
He picks up his mouse from the table and clicks it on "shutdown".
How is the user different from the programmer?
If you ask them to reboot the computer using only the mouse, the user presses "shutdown" in Windows.
What does the programmer do?
He picks up the mouse from the desktop and clicks it on "Rest".