[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 121
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Internet woman: a woman who is hard to reach.
The server woman: busy whenever you need her.
Woman-windows: all men know very well that she can't do anything right, but still can't live without her.
Woman-linux: she's the best in bed, but takes too long to set up.
Woman-Excel: she claims to have a lot of skills, but all you want from her is sex and a hot dinner.
Woman-DOS: Every man has had this woman in his life, and you don't want her anymore.
The Virus woman (also known as "wife": She arrives when you least expect her, unpacks and immediately takes up all the space she has available. If you try to get away from her, you lose something. If you don't, you lose everything.
Screensaver woman: she doesn't know how to do anything. But she's so funny!
Woman-RAM: if you break up with her, she'll forget all about you.
Winchester woman: she ALWAYS remembers everything.
Multimedia woman: she talks the most beautiful crap.
A female user: she breaks everything she touches, and she has inflated demands.
Female CD-ROM: she gets faster and faster every time!
Woman-email: eight out of ten of her phrases are bullshit!
Woman-ICQ: comes when she's not expected!
......
The accordion is wonderful! I love it myself :)
about priests
At a bus stop, a bearded priest stands in a cassock with a cross and a light jacket over it. Something comes up to him with a fanatical gleam in his eyes and starts talking about "Wrong thing you believe in, priest. You should believe in Mary Magdalene and you should believe in Jesus Christ. Listen to this..."
The priest was silent, but when the missionary said that Christ was not the Son of God, the priest suddenly began to speak. As he was supposed to do, in a thick, singing voice:
- Listen, my son, I'm not a Catholic or a Protestant. I'm Orthodox, I can fuck you up...
From the point of view of banal erudition...
From the point of view of trivial erudition, every individual critically motivating abstraction cannot ignore the criteria of utopian subjectivism by conceptually interpreting generally accepted defining polarizers, so the consensus reached by dialectical material classification of universal motivations in the paradigmatic relations of predicates solves the problem of refining the forming geotranslational quasi-puzlists of all kinetically correlating aspects. On this basis, we conclude that each arbitrarily chosen predicate-absorbing object of rational mystical induction can be discretely determined with the application of a situational paradigm of communicative-functional type in the presence of a detective-archaic distributive image in Hilbert convergence space, However a parallel colaborative analysis of spectrographic sets, isomorphic to the multiband hyperbolic paraboloid interpreting the anthropocentric Neo-Lagrange polynomial, reveals a positional significativity of the gentile theory of psychoanalysis, which must be taken into account as a consequence Since not only the esoteric, but also the existential apperceptional entropologist antecedentally passivated by high-material substance, possesses prismatic idiosyncrasy, but since the valence factor is negative, the antagonistic discreditism degenerates accordingly in an exhibitory direction, since, being in the prepubertal state, practically every sub-ject, melancholically aware of embryonic claustrophobia, can extrapolate any process of integration and differentiation in both directions, hence it follows that as a result of synchronisation, limited to a minimal image interpolation, all methods of convergence concept require practically traditional transformations of neocolonialism. The budding neo-colonies have a growing season of three to eight phenotypic homozygotes, but they are all only the fundamental basis of the sociogenetic superstructure of the cryogenic-creative process of gerontologisation. This basis can be augmented by a hectaplasma accelerator of bioinert colloidal cells of contagious concretization, but the introduction of concretization entails the application of set theory and distributive analysis methods, which is due to the fact that transcendental polycondensation of neronospores in perplex chaos can only incubate complex morphosis when the dominant constituent is quasitentennially universal, and occurs rather suddenly. Obviously, all of the above sheds light on the theory of predicative sensations of the subjecc tive that are absolutely nonfunctional under the conditions of abstract chaos.
From the point of view of banal erudition...
From the point of view of trivial erudition, every individual critically motivating abstraction cannot ignore the criteria of utopian subjectivism by conceptually interpreting generally accepted defining polarizers, so the consensus reached by dialectical material classification of universal motivations in the paradigmatic relations of predicates solves the problem of refining the forming geotranslational quasi-puzlists of all kinetically correlating aspects. On this basis, we conclude that each arbitrarily chosen predicate-absorbing object of rational mystical induction can be discretely determined with the application of a situational paradigm of communicative-functional type in the presence of a detective-archaic distributive image in Hilbert convergence space, However a parallel colaborative analysis of spectrographic sets, isomorphic to the multiband hyperbolic paraboloid interpreting the anthropocentric Neo-Lagrange polynomial, reveals a positional significativity of the gentile theory of psychoanalysis, which must be taken into account as a consequence Since not only the esoteric, but also the existential apperceptional entropologist antecedentally passivated by high-material substance, possesses prismatic idiosyncrasy, but since the valence factor is negative, the antagonistic discreditism degenerates accordingly in an exhibitory direction, since, being in the prepubertal state, practically every subject, melancholically aware of embryonic claustrophobia, can extrapolate any process of integration and differentiation in both directions, hence it follows that as a result of synchronisation, limited by a minimal image interpolation, all methods of convergence concept require almost traditional transformations of neocolonialism. The budding neo-colonies have a growing season of three to eight phenotypic homozygotes, but they are all only the fundamental basis of the sociogenetic superstructure of the cryogenic-creative process of gerontologisation. This basis can be augmented by a hectaplasma accelerator of bioinert colloidal cells of contagious concretization, but the introduction of concretization entails the application of set theory and distributive analysis methods, which is due to the fact that transcendental polycondensation of neronospores in perplex chaos can only incubate complex morphosis when the dominant constituent is quasitentennially universal, and occurs rather suddenly. Obviously, all of the above sheds light on the theory of predicative sensations of the subject that are absolutely non-functional under conditions of abstract chaos.
mm-hmm
Not exactly about the market, but almost...
A tale from the Goblin Gaga:
Есть тут у нас рядом с работой магазинчик. Держат его айзербайжанцы, соответственно, продавцы тоже все айзербайжанцы. А рядом у нас Апражка (Апраксин двор, сукарынок) и ремонтируют здание, соответсвенно, ещё есть грузины, абхазцы и армяне. И все они ходят затавариваться едой в этот магазин. А я постоянно становлюсь свидетелем того, как все эти браться ругаются между собой и продавцами, когда, например, в очереди стоят друг за другом армянин-строитель (очень плохо говорит по русски), абхазец-асфальтоукладчик (ещё хуже говорит по русски) и грузин-торговец (великолепно говорит по русски с ацким акцентом). А обслуживает их айзербайжанец-продацец (русский на среднем уровне).
Происходит это примерно так:
Армянин-строитель долго смотрит на айзербайжанца-продавца и говорит:
- Слюш, эти, ватэта, вотки, хароший?
Продавец искренне не понимает, я кстати, сзади стою, тоже не очень догоняю. Продавец удивляется:
- Шито?
- Ватета хароший?
- Шито?
- Э-э-э, ты чо? Ватета хароший?
- Шито ватета? Э-э-э? Гавари, а?
- Вотки хароший? Ты дурак, да?
- Э-э-э, зачем дурак, ты х*й!
Армянин-строитель морщится, что-то вспоминая и поворачивается к абхазцу-асфальтоукладчику и шопотом спрашивает:
- Х*й? Бла-бла-бла х*й?
Афальтоукладчик с прояснённым лицом, улыбаясь:
- Бла-бла-бла, сама х*й, бла-бла-бла, песда! (пауза, потом радостно) М*дак!
Строитель одухотворённо поворачивается к продавцу и выпаливает:
- Сам х*йпесда. Ти м*дак!
Продацец искромётно парирует:
- Э-э-э, шито?
Стоящий передо мной грузин-торговец не выдерживает и, жестикулируя, разруливает ситуацию:
- Слюшай, за*бали, а? Мне тут утром стоять, да? Ти будешь х*й, ти песда, ти м*дак. Этому дай вотка харощий, а ти нах*й, патом вазмёщ, адин х*й, как палавой орган нипанимаешь па руски. Мине винбилидан.
Продавец вопросительно:
- Шито?
Грузин в сердцах разворачивается и уходит. Из дверей орёт:
- Бил*ть нирюская!
Я тоже достаивать не стал. Уходя слышал:
- Вотки хароший?
- Шито?
- Сюка!
- Ты х*й!
Biorhythms rule...
Valerka and I are psychologists in the same company. A big enough company to have a psychological support service for its employees. However, this service is listed under the Human Resources Department, and it is designed to assess the ability of potential employees to work. But since there are psychologists, everyone reaches out to them (that is, to us), everyone who is not too lazy to complain about the bad life, to ask advice and just chat on deeply philosophical topics, such as "wife is a bitch.
We maintain normal relations with everyone, and with those who work in the same corridor, we are almost friends. A young dude Seryoga works across the hall from us. It doesn't matter who he is, the main thing is that he's very shy in life. A normal guy, but shy. And there's nothing you can do about it.
One day he comes to us totally unhappy, and says:
- I can't live anymore. I like Stepanova (a young, beautiful employee of our company), but I don't know how to tell her.
We as psychologists knowledgeable (I dare hope) quickly (forty minutes by virtue of Sergei shyness and as a consequence of this mild lethargy) told the proverbial truth of meaningful looks, sighs, casual encounters, insignificant at first conversations, phone calls with a smooth transition to the flowers-gifts-kid-restaurant, behind which you can and confess. Seryoga listened and with an equally sad look left. Valerka said that due to his reticence Seryoga is unlikely to do anything sensible, with which I, in general, I agreed.
A month passes.
Stepanova comes in with a look of universal sorrow.
Sits down with Valerka.
- Valerka, help me. You know Seryoga? He works across the office. I like him. I've liked him for a long time. I keep trying to get his attention, but he's weird. And lately he's been acting strangely - when we meet in the corridor he starts staring and breathing heavily. Sometimes he calls on the phone and goes on and on about his work. How can I bring him to his senses and draw attention to myself?
I was about to start talking, but then Valerka beckoned me to be quiet. Then took out his watch, looked at it and said:
- You've never been more on time. Have you heard anything about biorhythms? No? At certain times, different human organs start working more actively. That moment is called a biorhythm. Well, the biorhythm of the part of the brain responsible for love starts in two minutes. That would be the best time for all sorts of romantic lovemaking. So immediately blow on him, walk over and kiss him gently, then look into his eyes and tell him that he's the best man you've ever met in your life, that you love him and only want to be with him. I know that's what men are supposed to say, but if you really want him that badly, forget about principles. And hurry up, there's half a minute left. And by all means, don't tell me you've been there.
Stepanova opened her mouth and stared at him for a long time. Then she stormed out of the office.
And now Valerka and I drink alcohol. A couple of days later Seryoga brought a can of cognac and said that forever imbued with respect for psychologists. A couple of days later Stepanova brought a case of champagne, called Valerka a genius, and at the same time told us that Sergei is not a retard and not shy, but a good soul, a man, which she discovered in him the day she followed Valerki's advice.
Back in '86 I worked as a locksmith's apprentice in a factory on the outskirts of town, and we were taken there in service buses. There was a man in the shop, Myronych, in his fifties, who seemed like an old man to me at the time. The uncle had a remarkable feature - he lied. He was a masterful liar. He was a genius at lying. He didn't lie, he lied.
Unselfishly. A sort of bogeyman: o))) If we don't lie even a little bit, it won't be interesting to read us: o))) Everybody knew him very well and loved him for that.
So, our bus arrived, we unloaded near the entrance, stood smoking and weeping. And here Mironich ran by. A man laughs at him:
"Hey, Mironych, tell me a lie!" "No way! I don't have time. They lowered the Kulikovo pond, it's full of fish. I've got to hurry up and ask the foreman for a sack. Otherwise the kids will steal everything!" And hides in the gatehouse. Men frenzied eyes looked at each other, and ran towards Kulikovka not consented, giving up on the foreman, the plan, and other charms. Fish! For free!
I, like a snot, stayed in the workshop to cover them. An hour later, the men came back, mad as hell. And Mironich, running around the shop, yelled: "What the fuck! You asked me to lie!"
I've seen a lot of liars since then. Sinned myself. But to fuck over two dozen hardened men on the fly, without even a fraction of a second's delay, at their own request! That's aerobatics!