[Archive c 17.03.2008] Humour [Archive to 28.04.2012] - page 486
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Danu. A useless toy. I can't think of anything other than a car windscreen. You can display navigator graphics on it. )
These screens can also be used to create a three-dimensional image that can be viewed without special glasses.
How monkeys demonstrate basic human concepts:
A cage. There are five monkeys in it. A bunch of bananas is tied to the ceiling. Underneath them is a ladder. Hungry, one of the monkeys approaches the ladder with the obvious intention of reaching for the banana. As soon as it touches the ladder, you pull out a hose and pour ALL the ice water. Time passes and another monkey tries to eat the banana - you pull out the hose again and repeat your actions. We turn off the water. The third monkey, stupefied from hunger, tries to head for the stairs, but the others grab it, not wanting a cold shower. Now we replace one of the monkeys. The new one, not knowing anything about the shower, heads for the stairs, but sees only the angry faces of the old monkeys attacking her. After a couple of tries she gives up on the idea. Now replacing one of the old ones with a new one again. She too wants to get a banana and gets punched in the face too. And the first of the new monkeys even does it with enthusiasm. And so gradually replacing the old monkeys we come to the situation that in the cage there will be 5 monkeys, which have not watered at all, but they do not allow each other to get a banana. Do you know why?
BECAUSE THAT'S THE FUCKING WAY IT'S DONE HERE!
A husband walks into the shower while his wife has just finished washing herself.
The doorbell rings. The wife hastily wraps herself in a towel and runs to open the door. On the doorstep is neighbour Bob. Just seeing her, Bob says: "I'll give you $800 if you take off the towel." After thinking for a few seconds, the woman does so and stands in front of Bob naked. Bob gives her $800 and walks away. The wife puts the towel back on and returns to the bathroom. <Who was that? <Bob, the neighbour,> replies the wife. "Fine," says the husband, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: share information with your shareholders about the loans you've given, otherwise you could end up in a bad situation.
== №3 ==
A sales rep, a secretary and a manager go to lunch and find an antique lamp. They rub it and Gene emerges from it. He says: "I will grant one wish to each of you."
"Me first, me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas right now, on a boat, and not think about anything." Psh! She disappears.
"Now me, now me," says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach, with a massage, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Psh! He disappears.
"Now it's your turn," Jean says to the manager.
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: always let your boss speak first.
== №4 ==
An eagle was sitting in a tree, resting and doing nothing. A little rabbit saw the eagle and asked: "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
"Sure, why not," replied the latter.
The rabbit sat down under a tree and began to rest. Suddenly a fox appeared, grabbed
the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: to sit and do nothing, you must sit very, very high.
== №5 ==
The bird flew for a long, long time and barely had enough strength. When her strength ran out, she fell to the ground in a big field. While it was lying there, a cow walked by and pooped on it.
Lying in the cow's poo, the bird suddenly realised how warm she was. The cow shit brought her back to life! The bird suddenly felt so good that it sang to express its joy.
A passing cat heard the singing and decided to find out what it was all about. Going to the source of the sound, the cat found the bird, dug it up and ate it.
Moral of the story:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) When you're nice and warm, it's best to keep your mouth shut
>
It's my own fault, and I drink tears and ooze,
I've fallen into someone else's deep rut.
I have set my goals to choose for myself,
And now I can't get out of the rut.
The track has steep, slippery edges,
I curse those who have paved it, soon my patience will break
And I bow like a bad schoolboy
To the rut, to the rut, to the rut.
But why am I so insolent and insolent?
The conditions in the rut are all right.
No one's going to bump me, no one's going to rub me, don't complain,
♪ If you want to move forward, you're welcome ♪
No refusing food or drink in this cosy rut,
I've got myself convinced I'm not the only one in this rut.
Keep it that way, wheel in wheel,
And I'll get where everyone else is going.
Someone shouted, "Come on, let go!"
And started arguing foolishly with the wheel.
He burned the heat of his soul to the ground.
And the valves and liners went flying.
But he mangled the edges, and the track got wider.
Suddenly his trail breaks off. The geezer was dragged to the ditch,
So that he can't get in the way of our rear
In the wrong lane.
And now I'm in trouble, too: The starter's gone bad.
Now it's not driving, it's fidgeting,
I should get out and give it a push, but I can't,
I'm waiting for someone to come along and pull it out.
I wait in vain for help. It's no one else's track.
I wish I could spit out the clay and rust with the track of that stranger.
And that I have deepened it myself,
I have killed hope in the rear.
A cold sweat broke my bones
And I walked forward on a plank.
The spring creeks have washed away the edge,
There's a way out of the rut, a way out of the rut, a way out of the rut.
I'm spitting mud from under my tyres into someone else's track.
Hey you, rear, do as I do, that means don't follow me.
This rut is mine alone,
Get out in your own rut, get out in your own rut.
=======================
- Why didn't you save your wife when she was drowning?
- Did I know she was drowning? Yelling, as usual...